well...thanksgiving was...surreal best i know how to say it. a whole bunch of "this is not right, i should be with my family (W+D)" but nope and it was complete radio silence which didn't surprise me either. closing in on almost 9 months apart, ironically the time seems to have passed MUCH faster than i ever expected to have done so. it is hard at times to even recall...many things. w leaving, w being with me, our regular day to day. can't even say how i even feel about those things, be it fondly or sad or what. does truly feel like my life was shot out of a cannon...and likely i'm still flying through the air lol.

first part of the long weekend was rough. rightly or wrongly through what i know of my sitch, my gut feeling GUESS is that W has had an affair of some kind/duration. i spent a good bit of time reading up on the why's of affairs and learned a great deal. the need for validation of looks, feeling alone, being resentful, lots of sex, etc many reasons that i could see in my W. and then, more importantly i could see how what i did not provide could have brought about those feelings in my w. not getting away from the tv, basically just not giving to her the level of attention she may have needed. i know to separate the issues of the marriage from W having an affair IF she did, but i did and can see how the discontent from the MR could enable W to have an OM. one thing that struck me as well is that in one research article I read it said basically that the one who is unfaithful many times is the one who gave the least in the relationship. to be fair to myself, W did not invest much time in giving me what i needed in the MR either...and yet i never once considered going outside of it. i was told "unhappy", but never told specifics so i don't feel too hard on myself when she couldn't/wouldn't be adult enough to tell me HOW/WHY she wasn't happy. there was/is so much potential i see in our MR especially with the time and growth and learning that i've developed in the time apart that it's a terrible pity for her to just through it away like a piece of trash....but i can't control that AND even if i feel like i've become a better man, more relationship aware guy, in no way does that mean she has esp if she's wayward. just s88ks.

from all i read over the course of the weekend, there's no hope for her and i. funny thing is even 9 months on from BD while life on the whole is ok, inside of me i am STILL standing for my MR. i mean procedurally i'll have to sign some papers, sell the house and find a new place to live, but life as i'll know it then is basically as i know it now...and that's fine actually. not how i wanted it but fine. and yet, I STILL love her. the more I've read of R, the more H**L I think it would be. if she had OM, for two folks to R it sounds like a never ending H**L. the more i read of what it takes, the more i admire the people who can go through it. i just don't think i'm strong enough to endure it were it ever to come up and I don't think W would ever be able to do all that is necessary on her end. so there it is, even if she came back, if there was OM i don't think we'd survive. that said then the ONLY option is D, doing away with her and moving on. the more i can invalidate R as acceptable, the more i can accept D as what other option is there? it becomes a non-emotional decision as it's the only answer left/available.

bought some stuff for D for Christmas and i'm sure i'll get more gifts as the time goes by. a VERY wonderful way to "GAL" :-) thing is though, where i am now i'd just as soon forget Christmas. was tough coming back and seeing neighbor houses all aglow with lights and love for their families living inside, while mine is all blown to H**L. anyway i don't get this. i guess the reality is i never will. somebody i think LH was saying how it seems like every woman in their 40's is unhappy. lol yeah that. IC will continue to have a fight on her hands with me. between the failure rate of marriages, my 2 D's and all that i read from other's sitches, i can see me staying alone for a long time and given what i know, i'm more accepting of that with each passing day.

i want to say to some folks especially harvey, twofeet, hurt you all are in my prayers. you boys are going through H**L and i feel terribly sorry for the cruelty you are each enduring. i haven't had a chance in H**L with my sitch either, but at least i've had more peace/time. praying for you guys. i also want to thank and say prayers for so many wonderful folks on here who have lifted me up and everyone else with their comments/thoughts and prayers. it's a wonderful thing to read when one of us is down, not too long after someone else comes along and picks them up especially in some of the appalling sitches some of us are dealing with.

-b


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19