just a quick update...saw W again at handoff of D yesterday...same ol, same ol...no talk, no eye contact and gone in a flash. at first i thought it was anger/resentment, but now coming around to the more shame/guilt idea. i have no idea what she's done exactly, but gut has always told me she's done something. believe she had an OM in some fashion while we were married and then did the BD/separation to get free to pursue it and claim "oh we were separated" when i met him. very important for her to "keep up appearances" lest she appear to be a bad person. anyway my time with D was wonderful as always. the most amazing part of my life these days is how quickly my D is growing up and how fast she is learning. let my W do her thing, my relationship with D...now that's the good stuff right there!

also my spidey sense has me feeling like W is stalling on the D process. she has been h8ll bent on it from the beginning, but it just seems like it's slowed. i know the process is annoying to her and not going as she expected. also i told her emotionless i'm trying to get us done asap as per her request. could be many other things going on of course, i don't know, don't care, but gut feel is that the "PUSH" is not as pushy. lol.

had another good meetup with IC. she continues to be fascinated by W. we've been working on "my picker", investigating why/how i choose who i do as far as ladies to date. i think we both believe i go in with rose colored glasses that are too thick, although with my W we agree there is no way i could have foreseen initially where my W is now. i question my IC alot, by that i mean i still have a very hard time believing my W needs help to address some of her issues, also i question my IC about "hey are you just telling me what I want to hear and taking my side"...she emphatically states that she is not just telling me what i want to hear. bottom line it's helpful speaking with her even though she gives me ZERO hope that W will ever be mentally able to do the work necessary to R or even regret or show remorse for what's happened. perhaps due to time/my own realizations, I'm at peace with that. as i've said before i'd be in WAY more uncharted territory if W ever did come back around. the more i've read/reflected the less i believe piecing/R with W would be possible. that truly seems more difficult than my present status. i just don't think that if there was OM we could get back. i don't think W could do it and as i've said before if i'm not last in her heart and given what i've experienced, painful, but best to move on. i'm happy to be free of my feelings for her presently, if she came back i'd have to confront them...jury is still out i know if i had to.

won't see D until after the holiday this week, that's why when we're together i load up on memories/good times to see me through. head down GAL'ing, at the gym and lots of good time with family/friends upcoming.

it may be hard for myself and many of us to feel thankful given our sitches this week. i pray we all even through the adversities we presently find ourselves in can yet with God's grace recognize the many blessings we each still have. Through our recognition of those blessings may we find continued strength to see us through our difficult times.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19