Thank you for updating. I am glad that you two remain on the path together. I can relate to so many points in your post. I don't update often, because I am not sure what to update. Yes, we sort of carry on, but it can feel quite boring and uneventful at times. Other times I self doubt because I continue to cycle back to the same negative thinking, which does not feel like progress.
You mention that you still have triggers. I think that is okay and to be expected. The trauma is significant. I believe they will continue to fade over time. My H has been back 3.5 years and the triggers have lessened significantly. I am also allowing myself to more see things that were not right in the M before this happened, as opposed to the sitch alone. The triggers can distract from the original M issues, because with the triggers, then our minds become focused on that one time period.
I really appreciate the changes you are both making.That is what this is all about. Slowly making positive changes and creating better habits. These are some of the sliver linings and how we can create a better M than we had before.
This past week and weekend was rough. She came and held me and told me that people argue and disagree, and I shouldn't get so upset about certain things. She is right, I still have my wall up and I'm ready to be hurt. I still have anger, resentment, and doubt. She has moved pass all of it, and It leaves me wondering, what am I doing wrong. She forgives/forgets fast.
I know exactly what you mean. Sigh. I feel the same way. My H DBs by nature and not even having learned it here. I have to work really hard at this stuff. Also, I think our wounds might be deeper than there's. We were not the ones that left the M.
I have miserable days too. Still. You are not alone. This is more than a process, it's a new life, and I don't know how long it will take to settle in entirely. I am not even sure where I am at today with it all.
I wish you guys the best. Thank you for the update :-) Keep coming back. I want all the newbies to see that this is no easy path.! Of course we only want them back when they are gone, I did too, but when they are back, it's a different, confusing, and possibly longer journey. There are no simple rules or recipe for this part.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela