I knew something was going on with him (depression/replay) for about 2 years before he BD me in summer 2012,and fled. He was back one month later but had constant daily contact while gone; messages throughout the day. He is a clinging boomerang. Once he came home he went through major withdrawal and depression. He locked himself in the shed for months. We were on suicide watch. From BD until he was back in the house and in our bed was about 6 months. He was nearly himself but you could see a glimmer of something stirring underneath. His replay behavior came to a halt pretty well. He remained in this limbo state for about 5 years. Trying to figure out what to do with his life on a financial angle. I have health issues which also impact his emotional/financial security. He never left again, physically or emotionally....until financial insecurities reared again. I was hopeful the crisis was finally over...but it wasn't.

We have a business together and we tried a new idea in hopes it would be prosperous and would alleviate our financial dilemma, but it didn't. It hit his ego hard and he began pulling away. Major replay began even worse than the last time. He could feel it coming on because he said to me about a month before he snapped that he thought the UFO was coming back to take him, within a month the withdrawal escaladed until the point came that I literally saw the light leave his eyes and he said to me...are you ready for round two? The monster was back. He began selling anything not tied down, doing whatever he wanted with no recourse or concern. within 6 weeks of the snap, he was gone. contact was regular but not always daily but was for the most part. Before he left he told me not to make any decisions until he was back home. He said he was going away for 3-6 weeks and wants to fix everything when he gets back, that everything will be good once he is back home. He told me to make a MC appointment for when he gets back, which I did and rescheduled 3 times until he returned. (yes there is an alienator and yes I have been aware of everything)

He did come home after 6 weeks. When he came home we went to the MC, which he was very concerned about, he insisted to cancel it because he feared if we went for sure I would leave him, he even told our D20 that day prior to the appointment that for sure it was over, I was going to leave him if we went. He seemed very devastated by this idea. Everything went , ok. we didn't go back as he started cycling back into flee mode. Within 6 weeks he was gone again, he hinted at me saying he was going to be leaving for a couple weeks sometime this summer, that was the day he left. He came up to me and hugged me and said he was running to the dump/waste site, hours later when he didn't return I knew he had fled again. 3 weeks later he returned home. From DB/snap until now has been about 6 months.

He has been home now for almost a month. Trying hard to fix up the house and yard etc. Im not entirely confident he will stay, I hope of course but am scared every day he wont. He doesn't stay in the house, he stays in a small guest cabin we have. He keeps the door locked and says that is the only privacy he has. Every day he seems to be more and more involved with us, but is distant, depressed and guilt ridden. He has always been close with me and even through the worst of the crisis he shut out everyone else, but not me. That's why I think he is a clinging boomerang.

I am hoping we are in a stage of reconnect, I feel extremely anxious and wanting him to just hold me and tell me he loves me and everything with be ok. He does hug me and treat me kindly, with compliments and appreciation. But it is still distant, not kissing or intimacy like that.

In a way it would be easier if he wasn't so kind and connecting, it is hard to detach. I try and the second I do he recognizes it and questions me. People say you wont be of interest to the MLS but to be honest a clinger is different. He notices everything.

The first time he replayed the monster was present for about 2 months, and he was violent and angry/entitled. Between charmer and violent. This time monster was there but you could see the fear more clearly, it wasn't so angry it was obvious the fear. It was the same but different.

Gawd I miss my sweetheart. He is there but he is still out of my reach slightly. Im very lonely, and all I really want is him.I hope this is reconnecting, and I pray he will not leave again.
Love and Hope to everyone struggling with this.

Last edited by job; 08/01/18 11:54 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs

Watching the sky for the space shuttle return...relief, lights at last
BD May/12 (37, H41- D18 D13 S11)
July 2012 ILYBNILY
reconcile oct/12 no AP
2nd BD Jan/18 start again Original AP