Quote:
BLU,

I really appreciate the info.

It amazes me that thru all the damage beauty can be had. After my wife and I recon, I was happy, then after a few months, I stop wanting to be in the M. I couldn't get pass the betrayal. I start to feel like she didn't deserve me. But she stuck by me thru all my pain. The other honesty, I was a truly sh!tty husband and father and I have to live with that as well. I treated her like deal and I sometimes wonder why she decided to come back to me after I treated her so bad and ahe wonder as well.

I also know now that I truly love her, before last summer I wonder if I did.

BLU, I'm glad you have stayed around. The recon thread is dead.

Can you answer, why you think my W stayed?

Did your husband and you go to any Marraige retreats, if so did they help?


joejoe, I think it is fairly normal to feel a tremendous amount of relief when they come back. The pain of being abandoned ends. After all, that has been our entire focus after BD, right? All we focus on (as do most of the posters) is if and when they will come back. As things settle down and we realize they are not going anywhere per se, we begin to feel more safe to allow our own emotional process to unfold more naturally. Of course there is going to be anger, resentment, frustration, a deep sadness, and fear. Ultimately, what we learn here (and in other M programs) is that over time the M becomes a more logistical choice and cannot be guided by any of the above feelings, ie the relief of them back vs the anger of the initial assault.

You have already identified that you were not the best H and father and that you played a part in her leaving. That is excellent! None of your mistakes can excuse what she did, however you know that there were two partners in this sitch. She was unhappy for several reasons. You could not control her leaving, just as you could not control her coming back, but you can clean up your side of the street. The best thing you can do for your M, your kids, but mostly yourself, is to learn from your mistakes. Look inside yourself. Be the best man you can be. Let this be your sliver lining in this very difficult time of life. When things feel hopeless, this is how I try and think about it. I am a better person because of the pain that I worked through. What doesn't kill me, will make me stronger. But I have to put in the hard work too.

Why do I think your W stayed? I have no idea! Honestly, I do not know her or you. Can you look inside yourself? Without over thinking it, why do you think she stayed? I had a gut feeling all along that my H would come to regret his decision and come back. I happened to be right. I think others here also happen to be right, and also some happen to be wrong. I don't know. People are complicated animals!

We did go to M programs. We went to M therapy weekly for almost a year. We also did Retrouvaille. It is hard for me to say how much they helped because had I been in the same sitch without them, my guess is our outcome would be the same. My thoughts are that anything that facilitates positive communication and supports the M, is a good thing! It certainly didn't hurt. For me, the biggest healer has quite simply been time. He has been back 3 years. I still have work to do. I happen to think that the more I look at myself and can be willing to be a better person (woman, mom, wife, friend, etc), the better off I'll be in all aspects of my life.

We can only clean up our side of the street! DB teaches us that. That is a very valuable life lesson that we all need!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela