joejoe, I think I gave up on the fixing a while ago. Really started about 3 days after bomb day when I found some excellent advice about letting her go, not trying to fix her, etc.
Now that doesn't mean it came easy. In fact, it was really hard. I always jumped in to fix things for her. Catching myself trying to jump in and fix things for her was difficult. But I started trying. I consciously stopped nagging her, that was really the start. And an interesting thing has started happening. She is starting to realize she needs to step up for herself.
That is important because on bomb day and for a few days afterward she would say how she "lost herself". How she didn't even know if she could pay bills, grocery shop, etc.
One of the other changes I put in was to get her to take grocery shopping back over from me. It is hard because I tend to be frugal and she tends to be "I might use this sometime in the next 6 months so I'll buy it." The first couple of times she went grocery shopping she way overspent. It isn't that we can't afford it, because we can, it is more can we eat all of this before it goes bad, expires, etc.
But I don't try to fix it. I just let her figure it out. She has to try and fix things herself. I can't rescue her because she never learns, loses identity, and starts looking for other unhealthy outlets.
joejoe, we should keep this thread going! I think we can be great support for one another.
M(51), W(52),D(16) M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018