To be honest, it is not a dream. Any long term relationship can be rocky and bumpy at times. My H is really a wonderful man and father. For the first 11-13 years of our R, we got along very well. He was so loving, attentive, supportive, and we shared this great sense of humor and created this beautiful family. I have always felt I can be my true self with him and he accepts me, even the bad parts. Even then, we had our hardships, the M fell apart, and we came close to D.
I think in any R, there are two people that are both different and imperfect. Things can change or go wrong, even in the best relationship or ideal circumstances. The only love and connection that is stable throughout a life time, is the one you create with yourself. My BD and separation with my H was traumatic, but it also forced me to change the way I look at my life and my relationship with myself. I think the silver lining for all of us here, is that we learn to take care of ourselves and do the hard work, and we come out knowing that we are okay the way we are and without our spouse.
If you yearn for connection, belonging, love and understanding (which we all do), then please believe that starts with you. It begins inside of you. Think about it from this angle; how can we expect others to love and value us if we do not love and value ourselves? ... The reason we are attracted to confident people is because we see that they value themselves.
What are some steps you can take to begin to see this? What have you done to begin to nurture your soul? For some it is various forms of art. Therapy, books, meditation, travel, etc. Personally I love hiking and long walks/runs outdoors, especially beautiful places and beaches. The opportunities are endless.
Your posts do read as if you have depression and that you seem stuck. Have you given thought to that and what you can do to help yourself? As an outsider looking in, it's worrisome.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela