(((HSK)))

I'm so sorry. I read your pain and your fears clearly. I want to leave you with a few more thoughts on your response. The first is that it really doesn't matter who is at fault. Even if you have been emotionally unstable, needing too much from him, or believe this is your fault, then that is all the more reason to take a giant step back from this relationship and heal yourself. You cannot do this while you are with him or attached so strongly to him. It's difficult and scary to get out of a relationship like this, but it's the only healthy option.

It's perfectly normal to be afraid to be alone. I think to some extent we all desire companionship. However if those fears prevent you from leaving an abusive person, then that is a big problem. You must first leave a toxic relationship in order to look inside yourself and begin healing before you are in any relationship, whether that is with him or another person. This takes time, and it does mean being alone for awhile. It is natural to feel anxious about the unknown, however what you do know right now is not safe for you.

No matter what mistakes you have made with him, and even if you have "needed too much" or approached him in ways that cause him stress, there is still never a justification for yelling at someone or being emotionally abuisve. Ever. And you cannot fix or change THAT or his actions.

You can only control yourself and your actions. With him or anyone else. When you are stuck in an unhealthy codependent relationship, you lose sight of that. That is where you are right now. Does any of that make sense to you? I know it's hard to see it as an outsider.

A skilled therapist can help you see this more clearly. Please start by finding one and reading books on breaking codependency. Remaining in this relationship, or continuing to long for him, is incredibly damaging to you and your sense of self. It took me years to break this cycle and I wish for my younger self I could have gotten out sooner.

I was where you are many years ago. I see this clearly. You have taken the first step by being open and honest about the issue. Now it's time to help yourself. You deserve to be loved and valued. You can only ask that from others after you give this to yourself first. It's time to take care of you and learn to love only you right now. Over time, you will attract poeple that will also know your worth. Please know you can do this.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela