I see what you mean about not needing to declare I'm not waiting around. Since things were left a bit up in the air, I felt sort of dishonest/not right reactivating my online dating sites, talking to people, etc. without letting him know that's what I was doing. For all I know he still thought we'd pick back up in a few weeks once he got his life organized *shrug*.
I'm not sure if it's "bad picking" or scaring them, but I'm leaning towards "bad picking". With this last guy, he kept saying he was worried that he couldn't offer me what I needed and I thought I was being reassuring and not to pressure-y or clingy, saying that I had no problem seeing each other once a week or so, I didn't need anything more than that, etc. But perhaps for this particular guy any sort of need to think about someone else's emotions/feelings/consider them was too much pressure and scary. I mean, he did tell me on our first date "a complaint I've had from GFs is that I'm too selfish with my time... but I play way less video games now.. and my family says that means I just haven't found the right person that I'm willing to make the time for!".... The guy before this last guy, ended up moving back to his home state to be closer to his family. When I met him he was still in the midst of what was apparently a very stressful divorce (losing hair, anti-anxiety medication, etc.) and it was finalized a month after we started dating. The next month he said he didn't know anyone in our state/city except me and he just really needed to be around his family and have their support. So I think that's also a case of bad-picking (someone who is not in the right mindframe or stage to look for a serious R) rather than scaring them.
So yes, I should have listened then. Why didn't I despite having an inkling that he was going to have some deal breakers? Attraction, I guess. His personality/sense of humor was what I was looking for (after meeting lots of people that were what I felt was "boring"), he seemed to have his life together in other ways and was successful (job, done with school, no debt, buying a house, etc.), and I felt really comfortable around him - like I could be myself. I enjoyed spending time with him. I guess I let my heart run that one and ignored my head/logic. I distinctly remember after date 2 or 3 telling a friend "ooof, I'm in trouble. I'm totally falling for this guy but I feel like maybe it's a bad idea" and trying to persuade myself that some minor personality differences ("he just goes with the flow more!") weren't that big of a deal... in actuality they manifested themselves into super flakyness/lack of ability to show or demonstrate care or interest in me/inability to follow through or take initiative/just ran away when life got overwhelming.
My friends say I need to give the "boring" people more of a chance and go on more dates with them and realize that perhaps the "boring" ones will provide the stability, communication, etc. that I need. Maybe, but why do I have to compromise? Can't there be someone interesting and fun and attractive and chemistry and ALSO stability and communication and emotional availability??
I made an appointment with my IC but I couldn't get in until Sept. 11. We've talked about how I'm looking for guidance and "things to do" moreso than just active listening (having gone through a social work program I am familiar with it all) and she was pretty responsive too that. I just need to be efficient and make the most of the time so that it doesn't take 5 or 10 appts to get anywhere, it's expensive!
Yikes, parent's M. They're still married although growing up I was always certain they'd get D'ed at one point or another, I think they are still together for convenience (they sleep in separate rooms). My mom was/is somewhat of a hoarder, tends to spend a lot of money, gets very dramatic and emotional about things. My dad has OCD and is very stingy, and growing up it was constant fighting about one thing or another. To the point where on school nights I'd sometimes crack my head out of my room and yell "CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SO I CAN GET SOME SLEEP?" I really couldn't wait to be out of there and try to limit my time with them all together. I saw my mom last weekend but the last time I saw my dad was Mother's Day, and my parents live only an hour away. My dad also issues with "sex addiction"/runs an AA-type therapy group in my hometown (which has also caused issues because in a small town you're not really that anonymous) and I've found it's best just to disengage. Our last difficult interaction was him leaving me a voicemail on my phone after an IC appt, saying he was sorry if he was a bad father and he felt like he didn't do a good job, and he wondered why I didn't ask him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding? Which made no sense because both he AND my mom walked me down together so I honestly think he got confused with my sister (who had no one walk her down) and then I couldn't even take any of it seriously. So yeah, there are issues there, which made it all the harder when XBF would see his parents once or twice a week but couldn't make time for me. I never brought it up to him or mentioned it but I didn't/don't understand why he couldn't have been more flexible on that and made time for me but maybe that's because his family dynamic is so different, that I'd never understand it - I would have no problem telling my family I had other things I needed to do or people I needed to spend time with if they were becoming too much.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final