A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Save your marriage singlehandedly with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL OFFER TO INTRODUCE YOU TO DB COACHING
Save $75. Offer for new clients and available October 26 - 30 only
SINGLE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE SESSION FOR ONLY $100
Hi Mr Bond! It's been a while since I've seen you around.
I'm happy to describe my interactions with my X (otherwise known as Mr. P for Mr. Perfect). I feel I'm a little unusual in this area.
For those of you that don't know my story, BD was in April of 2014, but we continued to live together seven months after that. We both played along so well, including going on some family vacations, that our kids didn't know anything was amiss. Mr. P finally moved out in November 2104. Before he moved out, I drafted up a separation agreement (non-legal) outlining expectations of the separation, financial, child sharing, dating (there was an OW), social, and set a time for us to come together for a formal discussion, instead of leaving the S open-ended. We both agreed to it, and we both played by the rules. I don't often see this done, but I feel like it was critical to the relationship we have now. He knew I didn't want him to go, but he knew I chose to let him without a lot of drama. In return he upheld his end of the bargain--we kept our finances the same, I didn't have to worry about paying the bills; he maintained our agreed-up child sharing from the beginning (mostly); he didn't flaunt his OW in front of our children or our mutual friends; he didn't speak poorly of me in public. I spelled these things out ahead of time, and I give him credit for following them.
We extended the separation beyond the initial period, but in the end decided to divorce. He knew it wasn't what I wanted, but he was dead-set on it and I decided to let go as gracefully as I could. We chose a collaborative divorce process, started in August 2015 and ended with a signed agreement in December 2015. We waited until the next tax year to file, and everything was final in March 2016, just after our 26th anniversary.
Mr. P and I are friendly, but not friends. We parent together very well, we generally see eye to eye on kid issues, we always did. He comes to my house for holidays, but we don't socialize outside the family. Today I called him to ask a question about his work field of expertise, last week he let me know a piece of news about a woman from the church I used to attend. He still uses my house as his mailing address, and last week he made a simple fix to a toilet when he was dropping off our daughter.
It's not all peaches and cream, this summer we clashed about a family vacation, and sometimes I have to bite my tongue really hard. But I choose to overlook the small stuff, and call him out as gently as I can on the things I can't overlook. I know he's doing the best he can with me and my quirks.
I don't ask him who he's dating, he doesn't ask me, I don't know if he's out of town if it doesn't change the child sharing schedule, and he doesn't know why I went to Ft. Worth a few months ago. I found out he got a new car when he pulled into the driveway with it, and I didn't ask him his opinion on my new rug. We stay out of each other's personal lives, we stay out of each other's financial lives.
There was a point that I really wanted to be friends with this man, thought that a relationship I'd had since I was 22 was worth hanging on to in some form or fashion. I've let go of that idea for now, he doesn't seem to want it, and it's not worth losing sleep wondering why. I can't change the why anymore than I could change why he wanted a D.
I'm very aware that Mr. P deserves at least half the credit for this peaceful existence between us. He doesn't spew at me, doesn't try to alienate the kids, hasn't turned the in-laws against me. Labug told me once that Mr. P was a lousy H but would make a good X. She was right. I think I'm a good X, too.