hi
didn't expect to be back here so soon. I am not venting but rather reflecting - & here's a safe place to do that.

At the end of the day, no matter what, no one should be dependent on another.
This is the lesson I have for my child C. It resonates more than anything right now, mlc or not.


1st married
When h did not want me to work when we first married, he suggested that he would take care of all -"just look after the home." It seemed like a perfectly normal remark. After all, we were living among other homemakers like myself. The men hung out together & we would do our 'thang' ..

I regret this. I should have thought more about me & just not accept this. It s not h's fault, I should have thought MORE about this. We were young & happy. I was stupid to not think more.

Me as a child - da clues!
I was always busy doing stuff since I was a child - entrepreneurial stuff. I didn't even remember (!!) that - always up to something grin And made $$ too! Right through to my early 20's. Fabric & creative endeavours ...
I lost myself ... Homemaking defined 'me' after a while or 'consumed' me ... gobbled me up.

This is how frail life really is.
Had the economy remained healthy & where money was no problem & we continued being comfortable, we would just be looking for the next 'adventure' to have! cool Fact is, the foundation was not strong and an earthquake high enough on the mlc richter scale levelled all.

I dont' know if i should even be coming here. I am not piecing .. not trying 'overly hard'. I feel depleted after this. But it's b/c many things were depleting me prior to this. shocked There is only so much I can do.

h
I am friends with h. I went out with him (as I mentioned in the post prior to this). This was the first 'real' invitation since this began. I was not 'excited' so to speak (partly due to the others /invited). I was curious & without expectations. I went with a 'friend'. Again, it's the trust thing. We have spoken since that evening. He NEVER brings up R. He talks a lot to me, is even nice to me, but R never comes up (at times, I don't even know why he's here!)

He took C. out for a walk recently which was nice. The interest in family/ family stuff was non existent for so long. He does come across as 'more normal' sometimes, until particular triggers (buddy, alcohol) are present, at which time, he regresses. The 'maturity' re: opinions, advice returns when those influencers are out of pic.

1st things 1st!
I know I may have said this - but these times are becoming more challenging. I have to use what personal resources I have left for meaningful things. Those things that matter. I cannot put my eggs in an 'unstable basket.' Maybe this is why I do not handle the M with urgency. You see, I was wondering about this. Was not feeling too good b/c so many others here ARE trying.

Sooooo ... what's wrong with me? Right? This is what led to 'reflection ' in the first place. I need to be stable. I can't afford to be or feel vulnerable. My money sitch is flakey ... I worry about emergencies. Am too close to the edge. The security is not there. I am working on this. I KNOW the opportunities are there in this 'whole wide world' grin - I just haven't found them. I keep changing routes hoping that the destination would be the one I want.

To sum it ALL up, A L L of it
At the end of the day, no matter what, no one should be dependent on another.
Tell your children & your grand children. - depend on yourself!

p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017