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Another year for us all - best wishes for 2016, although delayed everyone (It's never too late to wish anyone the best!) I am finding it harder to get time to post as regularly as hoped. Wish i could read & post more often. When i do have time online, I am looking of ways to find opportunities for myself, my family. It takes hours - & not always relevant in the end.
There are no great changes to 'report'. I started the year with great plans, positive outlook & anticipation.
Unfortunately, the reality is that it's getingt harder. I no longer have help. I get sick often - fatigue doesn't leave. I dont feel proud to admit that I dont always feel hopeful - so much involves energy I don't have. Its hard in midlife to have to try more with less, to try harder with less energy, less strength.
I do wish I had less sporadic income. The strain is getting to me ( like 99.9999999..... % of the average folk in this 'global economy' Im sure !! i know i have lotsa company! )
I worry about this re health issues 4 parent should something/emergency arise. I need it for child's needs. It's too 'close to the edge' 4 comfort. Know what I mean?
I have been exercising. sporadically at times but the good thing is that the periods in between are not overly lengthy. So i have maintained a good weight. Meditation needs more work though. I find it hard to focus. I am not able to help child, "C" as i did just a few months ago!!
h comes by frequently to see us (which I don't always like this b/c I don't have the energy to pretend that things r great wtih me). The thing is though that it's not critical to the point where i feel i must make the effort unlike b4.
I do see some sort of changes in him - greying in & out I guess. H seems more 'responsible' sometime, interested in parent's & child's life & well being. TALKS to me a lot when here about stuff, things he wants to work on Then, he invited me out ... My friend encouraged me to go. We were both so surprised! (I wasn't sure b/c I knew that a few of the people who heard the worse things about me were going to be there, & I didn't know if I would b comfortable). This was one of the events that I was unceremoniously dropped from by him since this all began.
At the event, h was gradually getting drunk. He even jokingly asked a woman (while plastered) for her phone number in front of me! That was after, casually flirting with other women throughout the evening (in between being attentive to me). We're 'friends' now remember? So no claims here! He told me that he didn't mind if the men flirted w/me - but I knew why. It would make his actions 'ok'. This was up to a point, I think even he surprised himself.
I got more attention as time went on (probably b/c everyone was getting more relaxed?? ). Anyway, h soon became 'almost possessive' (I think he was surprised that I got attention at all! Mind you the only one more surprised than him was me! I am sooooo 'out of it', not to mention that this experience can affect one's confidence (getting the boot for the prettier younger models with whom you CAN'T possibly compete with their perfect skin & hair). All who he flirted with were younger, although not overly so in all cases ... BUT younger than 50's. He did this 'behind my back' since mlc first began, it's odd (& disrespectful) that he would invite me out and do this 'in front' of me! Someone made a comment about "my husband" ( which i could not hear w/music) ... he held my hand & said "you're beautiful." I nearly wet myself I suspect that this guy was quietly observing more than I realized, noting h's behaviour & what I was exposed to. I had to put on an act at times when i felt personally humiliated. I did take my friend's advice though. I had a good time for me in spite of it.
Pre-event h talks as though we would get back (under 'normal circumstances/when sober), he talks as though we have a future (when sober ) . He working at something & it's a big fish so he's on cloud 9. All this talk seemed ok until this. He put on party music similar to that of the event and begins to do a little dancing. However, while dancing, h lifted his t to show me his "muscular definition" (!) all while dancing to the party music, his smile really BIG across his face & looking in the mirror.
I thought 1 - he has a long way to go. 2 - I have no patience or energy 4 this. I am too busy trying to stabalize my life for my family - the vulnerable two whom I care for. A child & an ill parent. This is day 2 of a headache i have - i am afraid. I see no real hope in h unless certain things change. He talks so well even admitting certain things, but after event & muscle definition session ... well ???? In any event one should not depend on anyone. (He's back with one of his buddies - the two had a disagreement at the time, so it's no wonder that he seemed more mature. Now they are back again ... not 4 me to figure out)
h was dropping by to see C today but went out with buddy. I know Ill hear from him later. The difference at this juncture is that he seems to be marrying (freudian slip?) the two worlds, whereas b 4 he kept our family & his new life many degrees apart! So, pre eveninghe was growing up, around event he meets buddy, good times come back to mind (?) & behaviour changes as buddies renew estranged relationship! Post event, the influence of renewed relationship (TBA)
I really hope that 2016 will improve. Life is about the quality of life not constant struggle. Geez ... for crying out loud !!!!
I'll be back by Easter after I catch up on some reading here. Easter is the season of re-birth ... I hope for something to come through on my side. Looks like h will b fine regardless of outcome, he's smart, screwy but smart. He'll land on his feet. My feet? They are sore lol
Anyway, take care all db-ers, again, the best to you with your own journeys! p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017