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Hi there Not much happening, just stopping with random thoughts & a little forum reading.
Free @ home:
I feel 'free' to be vulnerable, fail, 'whatever,' make a @$$ of myself. All without hearing some back handed comment or put down. FREE to just be ...
This was something I could not be prior to getting some space, some peace. Everything (!) was an issue - & so I kept all calm whenever I could (just like my mother), b/c that would 'solve' the problem. yup sure did!! Proof of the need to clam things, balm things was the desperation I felt when I started the thread on confrontation - the bombardment of thoughts, fears ... the feeling that I had NO time to get the solution as I would lose h. The forum couldn't cough up advice fast enough!
I keep telling myself to go back to read my thread btw. i haven't completed it at all. I continue to read everyone else's but not my own. I am experiencing more peace at the moment & I don't really want to disrupt it just yet! I need that before I delve into the mess to 'freudian access' (lol) & learn from my sitch.
listening to music
I've always listened to music to relax. However, now I have a tendency to sing more (!) while listening to music. Didnt do that for a while. Also enjoy catching up with what's out there & current. Still listen to music of my 'era' but I have found that mid/elder- lifers don't always live in the 'present present'. So many people hold on to the past as they get older, "In their day ...this, that, the other ... all about "a period of time" that is already gone. I still act my age of course, but I want to live here, now and don't want to be stuck in some time warp like some of my older relatives.
have been spring cleaning like crazy since h left!! There were certain things that needed sorting etc & I just couldn't think. Well, I am a little more effective re my actions & efficient re time. These are the SAME projects I coudlnt manage before. The 'mental muck' is clearly bit by bit impacting on the physical muck.
still have anxiety every now & then when. This includes when i have to deal w/ problems related to repairs for house. It feels overwhelming. BUT am learning I can actually 'do stuff' I never knew I could do , 'Stuff' like assembling furniture (!), and even tasks like 'light' house repairs. This is a different feeling from feeling good re social activities. The realization that I could. I assumed before that only h could solve those problems. For crying out loud, I'm using tools!!!
I refer to the akeru solution as in the *susan anderson book on abandonment, loss (*fyi, below). The use of mindfulness, the observation of present moment components from the senses. Some efforts are more successful than others but I persist as I desperately want to create NEW thinking/feeling/emotion habits for myself. * Susan Anderson, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
Continue to observe that no matter what you want or hope for, there really is a process that cannot be 'forced' or hurried' as Cadet reminds us re "Trust the Process' In nature, (human nature, universe nature .. 'nature nature' ) all must run its course - rivers breaking the dam & meandering through, carving the land on its 'own terms' relative to conditions, gradients and amt of water. It will work it's own course - otherwise the 'break the damn' effect (BOOM) will result with debris strewn everywhere. Even tiny viruses have to run their course regardless of what medicine we take sometimes - effective only for 'symptoms, ' masking the illness.
In this case the authentic expression of emotion relative to each & every condition must run its own course. This is not restricted to mlc but so many other areas of healthy human development as well.
Time is needed to heal, reveal & to resolve. It is hard, hurtful, scary but surprisingly 'doable' even when doubtful.
Have a good day db-ers! p.
----------------------------- oh btw
Since my last few posts I did not accept any calls from h. I noted I got heart palpations whenever msg came in. i think its NOT knowing what it is about. I have changed. Guilt would have consumed me. Whether or not I felt like it, I would have told myself to be courteous and answer. He was contacting me a lot & got msg. We both need space.
I can hardly wait for that anxious 'auto pilot' response to him to end - & I know it will in TIME.
I no longer have the amt. of frequent reoccurring 'h-thoughts' as i did before (they still intrude occasionally but not as many, & I work to push them away when they do)
(A few months ago my thoughts compromised my well being re h. There was one particular incident where I wanted him to come back. The doubt would set in. It was challenging to remember that nothing is permanent b/c of the feeling of insecurity & uncertainty. At the time, I recalled jeckyll h,' & jeckyll is really, really nice. Had such a good time with him (around the time that the 'move out' was certain (!), but he was waiting for a place). The desperation to hold on to him resurfaced as I experienced that warm, kind side of him. It was SEDUCTION. The mixed feelings & sadness were torture b/c I knew that h-hyde would be back sooner or later. I had a l o n g washroom moment to express the weird sadness I was feeling).
he called a few days ago re c (back & getting ready for school). h had nice visit w/c, but not w/me. It was was VERY AWKWARD between us. pleasant small talk but very, very odd (which is fine).
I think (?) he still doesn't know what he wants. Regardless of whatever the facts are though, I have taken the road to be "friends" & to not worry about the future ( re advice, preceding posts). I also need to be my own friend (!) during this time of healing. There were times I didn't know who I was anymore.
he yesterday wanted an R talk - I couldn't deal with it. I felt the cool air over the phone. felt sorry about my choice . I know I am no 'light house' right now, but I cannot let myself slip any further. We'll get to it another time.
We really are at very different 'points on the line' now - no intersection. The cog wheels continue to turn ... the *PROCESS is in effect
(am laughing now - this is practically another post!)
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017