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Just updating, a journal entry as i feel a little 'haze' today & need to 'vent it out'
Before I go on -
my expressive arts piece my piece turned out to be a very 'ribbony' roller coaster (must have been the wine!) Was trying to 'morph' the roller coaster into a more meandering calmer ride on one side of the piece. Am not done yet, as artistic prowess in this area is not my forte. Still learning! ( I sent roughs to collaborator & like FB, they 'like' (btw these regard printed literature, books, newsletters etc)
can't 'shake' active mind getting things ready for meditation later this weekend (hadn't been to class recently/ spent so much time with child (!), & then instructor got ill) .. My mind is like an active volcano right now. I feel a bit confused so am venting ... I want to release as much as I can (vent here, going to clean after etc, get it OUT of my system, so that I can reap the benefits of the class later on.
h h said he wanted to talk (I know that he shook things up re above/active mind). I avoided his msgs at first since C isn't here. But he was persistent & i wondered if something was genuinely wrong!! he stopped by & we talked about the R.
he wants to try again For the 1st time though he did not seem to be in attack mode (?) of the sake of 'just attacking' & mouthing off. He was critical but not vengeful. He looked flustered, concerned, anxious. He explained how he felt & why.
He made sense re *two points concerning me. I AGREE re these two. (sorry to not be explicit - you know how i feel re : internet) I thought very much about this, & in future will show him the connection re his actions & my reactions to these, b/c I cannot internalize to get sick eventually - & neither should he! However, it was not the time.
I will have to do the work if I get back on this ride. I don't honestly feel to - maybe it's a 'now thing' - but then again, maybe I need to have 'vision.' Look ahead & not blow this one opp., if indeed it is an opp., & if we could actually be happy ... (?????) I really can't access at this very moment with my current 'volcano mind' just erupting stuff all over the place. (by volcano mind let me be clear I AM NOT IN ANGRY MOOD, I just mean the behaviour of the volcano - stuff inside just haphazardly thrown outside anywhere, anyhow ... 'stuff' on the go! )
conversation I have not had this type of conversation with h for ages! I can't even remember when ... it has all been only volatile since this experience began. I promised to get back to him (with what I dont know yet) . After meditation, movies the weekend - will see ...)
At one point, he still projected his mothers characteristics onto me & that was a red flag. Mentally, 'I threw in the towel' even though I continued to listen. I was fine until up to a point, as it was all such heavy stuff for us both. He asked if I wanted him to leave & i said "yes." I thought it was enough for both of us, & more so since we managed to speak without getting emotional & upset. The rest could come another day.
Today after a good nights rest, I am thinking about the part of the conversation that was civil (!), and his issues with me. I reflected about the part that sounded like two adults talking about an R instead of listening to what seemed to be temper tantrums from an adult ( with all sorts of mosaic-piece mis-matched information & attacks).
I still feel more like a WAW as mentioned before & less like the LBS - a role he is beginning to assume. I don't seem to have the inclination to try more, not now anyway. I am enjoying my rest period. Enjoying a sense of peace without him (although I did miss him & was deeply saddened by how everything turned out) The stress re him was robbing me of everyday peace - he did not realize that he was my 'spirit-killer,' which in fact led to other issues. If we can walk this line of reasonable conversation & action, I may try again - (esp. b/c of child/"C" ).
I have to:
think of what (???!!) to tell him
.. if pursued /ie., getting back on the dizzying ride ...
Going to clean & get going with my day & my plans. Have a wonderful weekend all ! p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017