Just updating, a journal entry as i feel a little 'haze' today & need to 'vent it out'

Before I go on -

my expressive arts piece
my piece turned out to be a very 'ribbony' roller coaster (must have been the wine!) blush Was trying to 'morph' the roller coaster into a more meandering calmer ride on one side of the piece. Am not done yet, as artistic prowess in this area is not my forte. Still learning!
( I sent roughs to collaborator & like FB, they 'like' (btw these regard printed literature, books, newsletters etc)

can't 'shake' active mind
getting things ready for meditation later this weekend (hadn't been to class recently/ spent so much time with child (!), & then instructor got ill) .. My mind is like an active volcano right now. I feel a bit confused so am venting ... I want to release as much as I can (vent here, going to clean after etc, get it OUT of my system, so that I can reap the benefits of the class later on.

h said he wanted to talk (I know that he shook things up re above/active mind).
I avoided his msgs at first since C isn't here. But he was persistent & i wondered if something was genuinely wrong!! he stopped by & we talked about the R.

he wants to try again eek For the 1st time though he did not seem to be in attack mode (?) of the sake of 'just attacking' & mouthing off. He was critical but not vengeful. He looked flustered, concerned, anxious. He explained how he felt & why.

He made sense re *two points concerning me. I AGREE re these two. (sorry to not be explicit - you know how i feel re : internet) I thought very much about this, & in future will show him the connection re his actions & my reactions to these, b/c I cannot internalize to get sick eventually - & neither should he! However, it was not the time.

I will have to do the work if I get back on this ride. I don't honestly feel to - maybe it's a 'now thing' - but then again, maybe I need to have 'vision.' Look ahead & not blow this one opp., if indeed it is an opp., & if we could actually be happy ... (?????) I really can't access at this very moment with my current 'volcano mind' just erupting stuff all over the place. (by volcano mind let me be clear I AM NOT IN ANGRY MOOD, I just mean the behaviour of the volcano - stuff inside just haphazardly thrown outside anywhere, anyhow ... 'stuff' on the go! )

I have not had this type of conversation with h for ages! I can't even remember when ... it has all been only volatile since this experience began. I promised to get back to him (with what I dont know yet) confused . After meditation, movies the weekend - will see ...)

At one point, he still projected his mothers characteristics onto me & that was a red flag. Mentally, 'I threw in the towel' even though I continued to listen. I was fine until up to a point, as it was all such heavy stuff for us both. He asked if I wanted him to leave & i said "yes." I thought it was enough for both of us, & more so since we managed to speak without getting emotional & upset. The rest could come another day. smile

Today after a good nights rest, I am thinking about the part of the conversation that was civil (!), and his issues with me. I reflected about the part that sounded like two adults talking about an R instead of listening to what seemed to be temper tantrums from an adult ( with all sorts of mosaic-piece mis-matched information & attacks).

I still feel more like a WAW as mentioned before & less like the LBS - a role he is beginning to assume. I don't seem to have the inclination to try more, not now anyway. I am enjoying my rest period. Enjoying a sense of peace without him (although I did miss him & was deeply saddened by how everything turned out) The stress re him was robbing me of everyday peace - he did not realize that he was my 'spirit-killer,' which in fact led to other issues. If we can walk this line of reasonable conversation & action, I may try again - (esp. b/c of child/"C" ).

I have to:
  • think of what (???!!) to tell him
  • boundaries
  • timelines

.. if pursued /ie., getting back on the dizzying ride ...

Going to clean & get going with my day & my plans.
Have a wonderful weekend all ! p.

M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017