Hi, journal entry here.

It's beautiful today so I took some boxes outside re: my reference images & copy/text to supplement a creative project.
There I was, minding my own business ... sunshine, green green grass & 'windy wind' smile & WHO do you thinks shows up? shocked

yep h - coming "for some more things". I got hug, stroking/ back (?) wanted "to talk." I was civil (could smell smokes, alcohol ... )

He brought up what has been going on recently re us (not "connecting"). Of course all of the events re this entire experience that took place were 'different.' He was acting out of frustration, so many job applications, no money - frustration. I told him I know that it was very difficult for him & listened. He said he "never pursued anyone - doesnt know why I thought so. He's been trying, not me." (whoa) grin

H was persistent with re-writing the mlc episode (just'another day in the park'). I kept calm. Over the last few months whenever issues came up, I would see the seething rage re expression b/c I was beginning to distance myself. There were times he woudl hear emotion in my voice. He would walk away, leaving me to feel 'the guilt' ... or so he thought (not recently), I was becoming worn down, too worn to feel guilt.

He said he was trying but whenever he reaches out to me, I do not try. On some level he is right. I am more of WAW now, not just LBS ( H also does not see the connection between hostility & lack of motivation /intimacy - he expects intimacy anyway - period. I walked away to avoid escalation, as I did not know where this would lead.

I just need time alone now to breathe - think and move forward. I did note the effort he made though, he did not pursue much after this, as he noted that I was not giving in to whatever agenda he had (conscious or not).

I waited inside for a bit until he left. I have found that he would not 'let me be' since I distanced myself from him - he's not leaving me alone. My wishes are not respected. Anyway, after that, I got a little wine & returned to my mat, like a parisian at a picnic. cool

It was so breezy & sunny. Lovely day, well I certainly feel (!) the creativity re: the wine in spite of the visit! Should be interesting!
laugh laugh laugh p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017