Originally Posted By: Vanilla

Here are some techniques of abuse:
Withholding, countering, discounting/demeaning/devaluing, dismissing, joking/ blocking, diverting, accusing/blaming, judging/criticing, trivialising, name calling, forgetting, revising/rewriting, ordering, manipulating/lying, denying/negating, anger/aggression, echoing, humiliating, condescending/mockiing

So how do you know if you are being abused?

You are afraid and off balance
You enforce your boundaries and that is ignored
You feel like nothing you do is right
Feel guilty
Walk on egg shells
Avoid public appearances
are subject to shifting sands of expectation
Always cave in
Subject to threats or intimidation
are ignored
Embarrassed or social isolated as a result of your partners actions
Occasionally 'love bombed' or 'groomed' then ignored
Belittled or trashed
The first year or so was loving
The abuse gradually intensified with different behaviors


I think this is a really great thread but can I add a codicil to this?

Marriages hit turbulence. When this occurs people usually react poorly.

So, I would really like to repeat a caution which Vanilla brought up a couple of pages ago which I think was the most valuable when discussing emotional and/or verbal abuse.

Emotional and/or verbal abuse is an attempt to change your spouses behavior or the dynamics of your marriage. Emotional and/or verbal abuse has an intent attached.

Couples fight. And when they are in the worst part of their fighting...sometimes they yell and say very mean things to each other. Sometimes when they fight they will threaten or use intimidation to win an argument. They will cross boundaries. And when they are fighting they try to make their partner feel off balance and unloved. But this is not abuse.

This is fighting.

Can it cross the line to abuse?

Yes.

But, I think it hurts a marriage when one spouse believes they are the victim of abuse when, in reality, they are just fighting.

I think the internet has made it too easy to validate a belief and vilify behaviors we find unpleasant.

Everyone who has been caught in a bald-face lie has felt off balance; afraid; felt guilty; walked on eggshells; avoided public appearance; subjected to shifting sands of expectations; probably caved in; and were (or should have been) embarrassed.

Being caught doing something bad and being victimized usually produces the same physiological reaction.

Abuse is terrible and no one should be the victim of abuse. But we need to recognize there are a lot of psychological factors at work when dealing with an abusive personality.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"