My Journey So Far.

Hello again. I hope you have all been well considering sitch.

I've been away for 5 months (I'll get into how bad a mistake that was in another post) and it has been mostly good. While I did not do GAL as I promised, I feel much happier everyday. I'm no longer taking anti-depressants nor sleeping pills. I have a tiny bit of social life around the gym I go to everyday. I'm moving to Florida in December and, baring any surprises, my S12 will move with me to Florida next summer. S12 is doing very well too.

As far as XW, I went completely NC with her. I may have over done that to the point of ignoring her...

I saw her in person 2 times during those months. Not friends... just barely friendly. She has sent texts and left phone messages about various things almost every day, including apologies and "I wish things could be different" type speeches. On the rare times I responded, I only responded by text and only briefly and only about S12. She has continued to complain about my not engaging her and still asks to talk about school tuition/schedule/etc.

I did start the divorce process but then stopped without filing to pay school tuition. I did not tell her I was filing. Then XW did file. I have not acknowledged receiving the papers.

A few weeks ago, she sent a text to me that was intended for her OM about spending the night at his place. I did not mention it but, after a few hours, I texted her that I would not be available to her via phone or text for the time being and that she should email me when needed. I then blocked her from my mobile phone.

Then came today and this email from her sent at 1AM...

Hi HP,

If you are willing, I would like to talk about us, our marriage and how we can become a family again.

Are you willing to see if we have a chance again?

7 hours later I test with... What has changed XW?

She replies an hour later...

Hi HP,

I had a very intense session with IC yesterday and I realized that I haven't fully thought through our relationship and that I have a great deal of sadness and anger about us, our marriage, and the impact of our marriage and separation on our S12. I have filed for divorce, and it struck me as the most insane thing to do given that we have not fully talked about us, and that this is a decision that will have a tremendous impact on our lives.

I have also been feeling an incredible amount of depression and sadness about the way we ended, and the impact of this on S12.
I want to make sure that you and I truly do not have - or maybe we have - any foundation to stand on. I don't know. I am not sure. Our separation has been difficult and a bit different that that for most couples, given that we haven't talked about us or engaged in any real significant manner since you left in Dec. To complicate things even more, I began seeing OM on a very regular basis after you left and have developed a relationship with him. What should have happened was that we spent more time talking, and me less time seeing him. But that is not what happened. I did not handle any of it the right way. Instead, anger ruled both of us, and now we are in this place.

What I do know is that we owe it S12 and to ourselves to spend some time together to see if we have anything more to give to our marriage. If we determine that we don't, I will respect that and move on, as I am sure you will also.

HP, I know you don't believe me, but I have thought of you each and every day and I have grieved tremendously over the pain I have caused both you and our son. I am not sure what the future holds, but I believe in my heart that we must talk once more and make sure that this is the right thing for us.

I will understand if you are not interested to talk to me. Whatever happens moving forward, I pray with my entire soul that one day you and I will have a friendship based on our bond with S12.....he is going to give us beautiful grandchildren one of these days and I want to share his life and his future in such a way where you and I can be comfortable and loving with one another.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Then, 4 hours later she sends...

I'm really sorry I even sent you this email. it was wrong and probably not the best thing to do given your silence. I guess I was simply having a moment of sadness after my session yesterday and really shouldn't have dumped anything on you. I have no right to think that you would ever want to remotely talk about us and since I'm certainly in no position to offer you any guarantees ... why would you want to.? I won't reach out to you and bother you about any of this again. take care of yourself.

I was going to parse all this with plenty mind reading in a long email like I used to. I recognize her testing my boundaries and keeping me in her drama. It's like the time she pushed marriage counseling while not being willing to give up her A.

But then I remembered I have goals...

  • I'm moving to Florida by December.
  • I'm building a home there for S12 to move to next summer.
  • I'm improving myself, my finances, my health, and my happiness everyday.

Everything I do must move me in that direction.

While I do not need to, I'm still open to working on our M, but it has to be real and right and in line with my goals. So my thinking the only email answer to the above is something like...

XW. If you end your relationship and all contact with OM, I think you will find me willing to talk about and work on any and all issues -- including my own role in the prior problems we had in our M. But that ball is squarely in your court.

Except she already knows that. I made that clear in December. And I prefer to not mention OM.

So maybe I'm back to repeating the action that got me here... doing nothing.

What do you think? Is there a loving way to answer saying I would talk about R under the right conditions and before I leave for Florida without being controlling or compromising my goals? Can I make the road home smoother today?

Thank you again for all the help you give me on the board. It does feel nice to be back considering.

Last edited by HPoirot; 07/15/15 07:31 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014