From Mustardseed's thread

warning on how abusers bait and switch

V--YOU WERE SO RIGHT! I wish I listened more clearly to your warnings. I had no idea what I was dealing with.

Since my last post things I think I finally hit that rock bottom. I have had a terrifying past few days, but I feel right now that I have finally stopped the free-fall. I have crashed, and I am broken, but not destroyed. I haven't been able to post because I didn't have my computer charger with me, and because I am so shaken by the recent events that I needed some time to digest.

I'm ready to start picking up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem, and mental health that I feel was destroyed by living with--what I am now convinced is a socio-path for all of these years.

The call he made to the cops wasn't just for intimidation apparently. It was also for documentation for what he was about to do next. I've been wanting to leave the house and have been told I can't. And now it got to the point that I was forced by some law that is intended to protect real victims in life-threatening situations all to gain leverage in the divorce process. And it worked. Even though the judge was digusted by H and our lawyers for manipulating OOP laws to create a psuedo separation agreement.

The most disgusting part of this is that the laws that make getting OOP so easy, are intended to help people in really desperate situations. The law is intended to help real victims in DIRE SITUATIONS, however this man I used to believe was good and decent used it to VICTIMIZE. And to gain leverage in a divorce. To isolate me from my kids. And that is disgusting to me. It diminishes the severity of the real issue that brought these laws into play. I know women misuse these orders against men quite often and no one pays any attention because the groups that protect this law claim that it is better to err on the side of caution to protect victims of abuse, not recognizing that the flip side of this is that it can also be used to abuse. Because it is usually men that are on that side of it no one takes it seriously. Maybe this will be a cause I will take on once the dust settles.

So I have a new warning for people going through this. If you feel intimidated by your spouse you are going to get advice to stand up for yourself and reclaim your life, don't let him intimidate you. If you are dealing with a sociopath this will back fire. You can't win when you are dealing with someone so twisted and calculated. I should have heeded V's advice earlier--but I still believed I was married to someone with a conscience. The worst thing about this kind of abuse is that there are no physical bruises. You don't realize what is happening. A conversation that seems harmless, even hopeful gets twisted and redirected down a path that catches you off guard, and by the time you realize what has happened it is too late.

The good thing about all of this is:
1) I am now out of the house. No longer living in that torturous situation.
2) The agreement we have is ok for now and is temporary. I am happy with the terms for the most part, I just hate the fact that all of the restrictions are on me, since it is not really a separation agreement but an OOP. H agreed to the same terms but his cost for violating them is not as high as mine.
3) I can finally start to see what the future might look like. And I think it will be ok.

1) GET THE KIDS IN THERAPY ASAP--Now I am not there to serve as a buffer between him and the kids, and if my suspicions are correct, they need to get in with someone who will recognize the signs and help them navigate living with this man, something I failed to do.
2) GET A Job--I will be moving into my own place soon. I have some money to tie me over, and now I know exactly how much I will need to get myself self supporting.
3) Get this marriage and divorce over with as fast as I can so I can finally move on. I want zero contact with this man.

This is a scary time and the worst experience I have ever gone through, but I am relieved to finally be OUT. I feel like I am starting to see things with a little clarity. I think things will get better, but I am afraid of having to spend the rest of my life dealing with this man because of our children.


Last edited by Vanilla; 07/12/15 08:47 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW