Recovery involves no contact the aim is to make the abuser lose interest as fast as possible
No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible with Abusers. There are some situations however, when No Contact is not feasible, as in shared child custody with an abuser. The abuser might become convinced that they can MAKE you respond and in that way satiates their need to continue to abuse. They will attempt all kinds of tricks they should be met with greyness.
Many targets have tried to end a relationship with an abuser several times, only to take them back, each time. The abusers turned on the pity ploy and the charm, and because the target didnít understand that this is what an abuser does it succeeds. As targets we fell for the Abusers promises to change. The abuser knows all of our emotional hooks. For the abusers itís easy and fun to lure us back by appealing to our emotions and by temporarily offering hope and intense love. Some abusers will even use trance states and anchoring triggers. But some Abusers canít change. In fact, when a target leaves an abuser, the abuser becomes determined to punish even more severely the target for thinking they could be autonomous. If targets meet with Abusers then there may be trance induction, love bombing, trauma bonding and anchor triggering. Avoid eye contact and voice calls.
Even if the target does not take them back, the most dangerous time for a target is when they first break up with an abuser who feels rage at being discarded. ----------------------------------------------------- Helping the abuser lose interest in the target
1. the breeze block technique.
It differs from no contact in that you donít overtly try to avoid contact with an abuser. Instead, you allow contact which is consistently unsatisfying thus re-training the abuser to expect boredom rather than drama. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. Breeze Block is a way of training the abuser to view the target as an unsatisfying pursuit ó the target bores the abuser and abusers canít stand boredom.
Making an abuser go away of his own volition is one application of Breeze Block. One might say that Breeze Block is a way of breaking up by using the old, ďItís not you, itís me.Ē excuse, except that the target acts it out instead of saying it and the abuser comes to the conclusion that there is no reward.
Another reason to use Breeze Block is to avoid becoming a target in the first place. By using Breeze Block the target fades into the background. Itís possible an abuser wonít even remember having met a target. If a target has already inadvertently attracted the attention of an abuser and the abuser has already begun to focus in then the target can still use Breeze Block. Tell them you are boring. Describe a boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores or job accomplished that day ó in detail.
Parents sharing joint custody with an abusive ex-spouse can use Breeze Block when the ex-spouse tries to trigger their emotions. Show no emotion to the offending behaviours or words or the abuser will try different tactics to see which get a reaction.
2. Selective Breeze Block The target chooses to respond to the abusers tactic which matters least. This will focus the Abusers attention on that minor issue as a decoy pushing all important emotions into the background except the ones the target wants the abuser to see. The more times the abuser has a reward for dramatic behaviour, the more addicted they become to abusing. Conversely, when the reward stops coming, the abuser becomes oppressive boredom and will counter it by creating more drama. If a target stays the course and show no emotions, the abuser will eventually decide to move on.
3. Reversal of attracting DB techniques Do the opposite of appearing to becoming a man or woman only a fool would leave (appearance only of course you apply DB for self)
4. Appear to have few resources
The target must hide anything that will induce envy in others (Abusers will seek possession):
-If the target happens to be good looking then they need to change that during this time. Use makeup to add bags under eyes, wear crumpled clothes, flat shoes. Pad your waist with extra t-shirts. -Any money or assets the abuser covets should disappear ďin a bad investment decisionĒ (consult with a L on this). -The shiny expensive sports car has to go, get a banger or white van -If the target has a good reputation, anticipate that it has already begun to slide by the abuser slandering them; therefore, no compromising or erratic behaviour. -Light on the booze, wild parties, be with safe people. -sane great GAL -personal privacy at all costs -close Facebook, Twitter, limit postings, get rid of links etc -create a new email address and use that if possible on a new device -don't announce a new R, new house, clothes, expensive holiday etc -no comments about the ex, "that's nice that they bought a new x" and "delighted to hear it" etc -new bank account, close old ones, put cash into private accounts, if needed leave an uncontroversial bank account -CCTV if abuser visits, change locks, alarm codes -move if that's easy -swap assets, buy second hand, trade down, put away expensive items -documents to a bank safe -change routes, shop in new places, change routine -get a new fin adviser and consult -spend cash, pay off bills and defer income -keep all matters close to the chest -do not question friends about the abuser, change the subject -keep and use an abuse diary, keep recordings and videos safe -record document and order -check for key loggers, recording devices -get a temporary phone for calls to L etc -change all logins and web sites passwords -have a room mate or close friend staying on risk occasions -avoid expensive restaurants etc -let the abuser have their circle, just say pleasant things about the weather if asked -plain as and dull as -move Abusers assets from targets home environment, hand all assets over, carefully, if not collected, put into storage pay for minimum period then send details and storage key, annotate and list items handed over. Every scrap of paper etc. -D as fast as possible allow L to act as go between, feign disinterest in proceedings, do not disclose or prewarn -no acts of service, just functional stuff, polite no extras, no presents, just the fairness -no revenge tactics, no interfering in new R, no warning new gf/bf, no running them down to others, no warnings to APs spouse -use email from an old email address, no texts unless urgent child related, no contact with their family or support structure, no messing with their rice bowl -just ok in response or my L will contact you, unsure of the position, I am unavailable that day -absolute dark, no initiation of contact unless urgent
The reason the abuser wants to take things from the target is the power trip associated with being the one who took them. This can include children, friends and cash.
By preemptively removing things from view and not reacting with emotion at the losses, the abuser is 'trained' with the idea that the target has developed into the most boring person on earth, someone the abuser would never want to be with. Nor any competitor to the abuser would be interested.
5. Become a breeze block to the abuser
Be a breeze block, no smiles, no frowns, disinterest, indifference -------------------------------------------- Why Breeze Block?
Its plain, grey hidden behind the brick wall, cheap and dull. You would not want to look at it and you would not want to know its there. It's strong and invulnerable and supports the house. In due course it is the foundation of a new palace.
Last edited by Vanilla; 06/23/1511:53 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW