Thanks, V.

I wanted this thread, some message on this forum because of the hindsight and clarity 12 weeks away has brought. I wanted to save my M at any cost. Even on my piecing threads I was dishonest and wrote in rose colored glasses, playing my own role in minimizing - not even writing about the things he was doing and saying that hurt, made no sense. They were not the important parts of saving my M! And so what, he was only 'teething'

A marriage ending is traumatic for all of us. Wanting to stand for it and apply DR in the hopes of saving it is why we are here.

In an abusive marriage I believe there is a risk at this juncture to minimize your own experience.

Part of what keeps someone in a cycle of abuse is believing - some will say codependency - that we have anything to do with a partners behavior, any way to influence it for the good or bad. That if we had only framed our words better, done such and such differently, he or she would not 'react' to us the way they do.

DR says this is where change in a marriage can start, by changing our behavior first! And I believe this.

This thread is to help recognize toxic and abusive behaviors. To address within self, to see where boundaries are crossed, and to say that if you are living with an abuser and your M is becoming dangerous - even MWD does not advocate standing in such a situation.

If there is any hope, it is when an abuser wants to change. There is nothing you can do that will stop the abuse if boundaries are ignored. Not even DR.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.