Maybell,

Thinking about what you are saying with feeling contempt. Smoke or fire?

Was "shut up" the worst verbal?

I think of Gan's threads about non-violent communication, needs not being met, Rosenberg stuff. Unmet needs and resentment can cause a lot of contempt.

I know how awful contempt can feel and I can relate. It is an anger and lack of respect.

Feeling hated is not a healthy environment no matter what.

But the question may be, was your STBX expressions of contempt simply how he felt that you unfortunately perceived when it slipped out? Or did he insult/demean you with it in order to attempt to silence you or punish you?

I think you might also ask, when you feel contempt is there not an idea that you should protect someone from feeling the force of it? (I think of colleagues I simply lost respect for, who aggravated me. It did not feel appropriate that they should know of my disdain and so I tried to treat with respect and distance.)

Pouring contempt onto someone though, that is them coming into those spaces of well being that should be respected. Aggressive displays of contempt tell a person how little regarded they are. And that is their design, to make one feel small and deserving of disdain. It goes back to a point about remorse - non-abusers feel badly when they hurt others and know full well when they do.

Last edited by Zelda09; 06/14/15 09:24 PM.

Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.