I examined my own abuse diary and found these abuses specifically that fit the abuse pattern:

Walking away, sitting, watching TV ignoring you as if you are non existent on some occasions almost at random

Being really nice to others, especially those not connected to you, seeming to see your family friends and coworkers as part of you but then on other occasions being a charming host.

Not completing tasks as agreed because they didnt want to or changing what they do or denying. So saying "I will get milk today," not getting the milk then saying "I didn't say I would get the milk": at other times doing things because they like doing them or sees them as their domain

Getting very upset if you express any feelings, are unwell, or upset by something in your life eg a friend died, it's the anniversary of a death, they tell you to "get over it" or "I don't do Illness" at other times iare supportive. Went to another event was a crisis on the basis that "there was nothing he could do" and when Injured days "serves you right, you need to be more careful" but yet escorts you when Needing serious treatment.

Claims You do or say things you haven't, even if the conversation is recorded. But has an accurate memory for other conversations, such as do you remember when we......, you said......"

Sometimes wont answer any direct questions even about simple things, such as do you want a roast dinner tonight? Other times will answer with a whole book.

Demands things, no please or thank you, often insists you should now the answer but keeps changing their mind. Such as "I only drink A P P L E juice get that into your thick head", then going out buying orange juice. Or Putting something in the wrong place as you should have known where they wanted it put. It's as if you am part of their thinking, they have said it to themselves and you ought to know. Other times just gets on and does it. won't go shopping and criticises the food bought and on other occasions gives lists.

some opinions are valid and others not, tries to speak for both of you, "we" are going now, "we" prefer x. As if you don't exist at all sometimes and we are one person. At other times your opinion is the most important one when it's not. It's almost as if there are things you know that they would not be expected to know. His and her areas and they speaks for both of "us" on their area.

You can't have any other opinion than theirs on some things even the coffee "we" drink and "we" eat any other steak than filet. But You can have expertise in nail polish or nail guns if that's not their area.

Has has little interest in you and does little validation. "well you take it", "you deserve it" , "I don't care anyway" , "I am fine as I a, thank you" "it's mine I will do asi please" "its my money and I will spend it as I want". In effect rationalising and explaining away actions, justifying.

rarely apologises to you but will apologise to others. If you request an apology " I don't care" or "you should apologise to me". Even if there is clearly something to apologise for.

Often belives that you should know what they thinks without clarification as if you read inside their head. If you bought the wrong bacon or they wants a specific brand of beans. Believes they only need to mention something once years ago and it's a rule until its changed without notice.

Routinely tells you that you are wrong, a liar, or have done something deliberately to annoy or harm them.

This is much worse when drinking which can be almost every night so that it is best to be absent if they drink. rationalises drinking " I dont like bottled beer" or "I am lonely I need company". Claims they don't drink much, "you know I only have a couple of drinks when I go out".

So why if I have recorded this stuff would It be explained away?

The abuse IC says this is absolutely classic seeing the "other" as an extension of self ie as "non other". Having few boundaries between self and "other". They are therefore treating the "other" as they would treat themselves. the more the "other" states a separate identity the more dissolved the self. They can do as they like for self and act as if this is the case for self. Little regard for self means little regard for other.

Another IC told me that the abuser is trying to find what is missing within themselves by having a partner with traits that match those that are missing in them. So if they are a liars they are looking for an honest partner, if they are controlling then they look for a free spirit. When they accuse or label then they do so of themselves and actually they are paying you a great compliment. If they say you are ugly actually you are beautiful. If they say you are selfish then you are generous etc. this is your gift to the world.

Yet another philosophy is to imagine that the abuser is remaking an R with a parent or guardian which a damaged R. Another theory says that male abuses have been put down by a strong parent, particularly a father and that is how they relate to the world, having a loving mother will be another factor if the father thinks the mother is weak for being loving.


Last edited by Vanilla; 06/14/15 10:16 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW