V, I liked the list of non-abusive behaviors you had.
I think these are also important distinctions, for example, someone needing time to themselves is not the same as someone withholding affection to punish. The intent is the root of it.
The actions that one takes within their own personal physical, emotional, spiritual, mental space may leave us feeling disappointed or hurt.
I imagine these spaces as 'bubbles' we draw around ourselves in those spheres. We can allow others in if we trust and we know they are safe to be within those happy spaces. People who aggressively and negatively push into those spheres are not safe people.
The key differentiation is when asking is someone hurting you, or are you simply feeling hurt, are their actions within their space? Or are their actions aggressively in yours?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on