My mind just won't stop. Forgiveness is something I am struggling with. I love him but the harsh reality is I don't know how to let go of the hurt.
Originally Posted By: Jefe
Thank you Toots.
Twin, in the first 30 days I did poorly with the "flashbacks". I underestimated how they would come on and how they would trigger. Then my wife said something that at first angered me a little then I got to thinking about it and she was basically right. She said: "You either trust me or you don't. There is little I can do to change your mind either way." Now, here's the thing with that statement, what she meant was that if I've made up my mind that she's still doing those things then that's all I'll be able to see.
The way I deal with it now is this:
1) I have forgiven her. I don't get to rehash it or beat her up over it anymore. Every time I get jittery about some feeling that is in my head, that's my problem to deal with. I have complete transparency and intel so if there is a new problem (and there is none) then we can deal with the new problem. But it must start with me giving her the benefit of the doubt. No one can live under a microscope of negativity so me continually looking for a problem is problematic in of itself.
She's still the same flawed and broken individual I married (I am too!) and I have to accept her for how she is.
2) When these "flashbacks" or mental images of situations (perceived mind you, because I wasn't there and really don't know) come about I have the choice then and there to get on that train and entertain that thought or I can simply allow that train to pass the station and find a more pleasant and much safer train to board. This is very hard and I practice it daily but it gets easier as time goes by. I suspect there will always be triggers but I hope to get them down to once a year or less.
Seems funny you asking me how I deal with my thought patterns when just a short 6 months ago you were trying to help me keep my mind focused somewhere else.
How are things in your world, Twin?
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction