Glad to see things are going to a place we all want.
I too have had issues with the "flashbacks" and like you was maybe a bit taken back at how powerful they can come at you .. and without warning.
I kept some notes here and there and RobX had a post with an approach that always struck me. The basic concept was "If I have to check up on you and make sure you are being honest that will not work for me because its not what I need or want" ... I read that long before I even had a chance at getting W to the R table. But now its in the back of my mind, she has told me its over, unlike other times she has been open to answer any questions I may have, I have not checked her phone because she appears to be done with that, and more focused on the M, and trying to reconnect.
I think its all to easy to use the A as the all time trump card .... "Cali can you take out the trash" ... "No, because you had an A" ... sounds crazy but I think sometimes in our minds its easy to go there and live there. I do not want to beat up W over the A, she can not unthrow that rock, all we can do at this point is look forward, learn from the mistakes we made and hopefully with Gods grace create a much better, happier, healthier marriage. Its best to focus on that ... than the past and the hurt and pain ... not easy mind you ... but much more beneficial.