Gerda, You are always welcome to post here. Some only come here to post when they are desperate for answers or need a safe place to vent or talk about what is going on. Others come here every day. That is the beauty of the forum...you decide when you want to post.
If your h is ranting about the way you run your house just say "h, I'm really sorry you feel that way" and walk away. He's going to get angry and bait you into getting angry or saying something that you don't want to say. Why? Because he's trying to justify why he feels so miserable. Heave help him that it could something within himself that is making miserable so it must be you, the children the house, the running of the home, the way you do laundry or cook the meals or maybe, just maybe the sky is green w/yellow polka dots. He's not ready to look within and he won't be for a while.
It's normal to think about the OW, but she's really nothing but a band aid to his issues right now.
Maybe it's time to change the way that you've been reacting to his behavior. Sometimes we have to do 180's to help along the way. Start looking him in the eyes when you speak to him. You've done nothing wrong and if anyone should look away, it should be him. If he doesn't sit at the table and normally eat w/the family, then don't serve him his meals. He can get up and fix his own dinner or plate. It's time for him to start seeing what life would be like if you weren't there.
Gerda, you are not the paid servant in that house and the only way he's going to respect you is if you respect yourself. Allow me to ask you this...would you accept this behavior for a friend or another family member? God is there to guide you, but he also wants you to help yourself. He will be there is you stumble, but he also wants you to learn to walk and stand up straight. There is nothing wrong w/taking back your self respect. I don't speak of God lightly, as I was born and raised in the Catholic faith and believe that God wants us to grow, be independent and learn to help ourselves as well as others along our journey called "life".
Gerda, we are all here for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.