I am struggling with this a lot this week, so I was glad to see this post. But while I understand this in theory, I have so much trouble figuring out how to do it at times.

My H lives with us, but abandoned the family as far as being a real husband/father in December 2013. I am deeply religious and totally devoted to standing for the marriage and developiing my relationship with and reliance on God alone.

I had to go through a mastectomy this fall, basically alone and with almost no help with kids. And now --- You know how they love to rewrite history and blame you for everything? Well his new tagline is about how I have never respected the life of the mind. I don't know if there is still an OW, but his dissertation is an OW of sorts, ALL he does, literally, is work on that and train for marathons. He barely looks up from his book, is furious if interrupted, and if he eats at the same time, he reads a book. I admit that my pride is struggling with not answering. I will paste an e-mail he sent me below -- but e-mail is easy to ignore. It's when he says these things in person, when I am cooking or cleaning or just in the house, and I have so much trouble not saying, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!" and providing a litany of how I have completely surrendered any expectation of his upholding any vow or participating in any way in family life for 15 months now, plus the year or two before bomb drop when things started sliding south (and to be fair, before I transformed myself).

I would love advice in the form of what exactly to say or do in those moments. I keep praying about it but then in the moment I get confused, I answer him, or don't know if I can just be totally silent if I can't leave the house (because of the kids, he doesn't watch them ever).

Here's the e-mail. And keep in mind that he has not spent time with his kids really since bomb drop in December 2013. He is here in the evenings but very out of it and rageful. They, especially my son, are very traumatized but we are making it day by day. Also, just an FYI in the world of MLC flip-flopping, he sent this about going to our cabin and demanded our weekend renters leave earlier than the usual check-out but then announced he wouldn't be going the day he was to leave, because it was going to be too cold though this is the warmest week we've had in months.

Is the cabin still open from Sunday morning till Thursday morning? I
would go up early Sunday and leave the cabin 5am Thursday. My spirits can
only but be unsettled and snappy with this doctorate undone, and always
always some interruptions happen at Jones (that's our house). Not blaming you, but the
ethos of that house is such that the dual offices of being a
world-changing intellectual and a domestic parent are totally and
mutually incompatible. This does not have to be the case. And yet it is
and always has been, as it was in my parent's house growing up: the life
of the mind is second fiddle. I want my kids to believe otherwise. A
parent can be great who is not doing parenty things. I refuse narrow
definitions of what a parent is. [D] called me a real dad the other
day because I drove her to school. All other dads are not real. Sad. Let
me know about the cabin.

Last edited by Gerda; 03/09/15 01:07 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.