I am the Queen of Cheat Sheets. No. I did not cheat my way through high school and college. By the way, for a copy of the Boundaries Cheat Sheet will cost you $100.00 per copy. Shhhhhh...don't tell Principal MWD. Guys, be nice to me...my last visit to the principal's office was back in the 2nd grade and I am a reformed mean girl. Truly.
Somebody's got to make a living off this, right?
There's been a ton of debate, discussion, and dabbling on the subject of boundaries flying all over the place in the DB forums. There's been a whole gamut of examples of Wet Noddle moments to the firebrand Hulk Hogan metal-chair shattering ones. Now, there has to be a medium between these two extremes when DBing.
Let's start with a question here.
What is a boundary? In the most basic form, it is a line of demarcation. Right? We all live in a world of boundaries with clearly defined nations, states, cities along with our own homes with white picket fences/acreage, storage units, school zones, etc. These are physical boundaries that we adhere to along with codified laws of the land to promote and maintain peace and harmony as co-existing neighbors on planet Earth.
There are, I think, three types of boundaries:
-Physical -Emotional -Mental
We interact with thousands of people on a daily basis through in-person encounters, over the telephone, over emails, and through texting (what's next? teleporting?). When we first meet strangers for the first time, the physical boundary is approximately 2 feet apart or so. That is the unspoken social boundary that most people respect when meeting people for the first time. That "hole" is our own personal space. You've noticed how uncomfortable you get when someone you meet for the first time crosses that plane...right? Heebie jebbies time, right? You slowly backpedal telling yourself in a sotto voce whisper to yourself, "Jeez, this person is totally creeping me out!"
You all get the idea here.
You get married. Joy. Rapture. Bliss.
This is when the boundaries between spouses slowly dissolve as you join as a unit called "married couple". By that stage, you've seen each other's best features and some not so likable flaws/faults after living together for some time. However, in healthy relationships, not ALL boundaries completely disappear for there's some semblance of mutual respect that underpins the marital relationship.
Now you are here in DB with a Wayward Spouse who may or may not be involved in an affair for a host of reasons that is truly devastating to YOU and/or your family.
Respect and boundaries GOES right out of the window. Poof! Commence the re-writing of your marital history, demonizing you, and just downright plowing right over your personal boundaries in a roughshod manner.
What's a cuddly Furby like you to do with those nasty Gremlins??!!
Ah....therein lies the rub.
We hope by the end of this tutorial, you'll be able to find your courage like the Lion in the Wizard of the Oz thus winning the Bravery Medal in Boundaries!
Here's to reclaiming some of your mojo!
The key to establishing and enforcing a boundary is being absolutely fearless knowing that you deserve and demand respect from your spouse. Trying to appease your spouse isn't the way to DBing and saving your M (and yourself). Appeasement out of fear is a true disservice to YOURSELF first and foremost. Respect begins with you. You are 100% responsible for how people treat you. It is as simple as that.
When you respect yourself, the rest will follow in line.
Sure, your spouse may get angry and spew. Not your fault. You are not responsible for their actions/behaviors. You only can be responsible for YOUR OWN conduct.
Like the Lion, when he encountered the Oz's spew for the first time, his knees buckled, simply turned tail and ran away crying like a baby that he was. Silly, eh?
Same with you.
Don't be so afraid of your WAS. You're giving them way too much power inside your own head. Don't let them mistreat you nor disrespect you.
Take back your own power and stand up for YOURSELF. Because no one else will do it for you.