Hi Barry

I'll apologise in advance if I'm not fully update with your sitch. I'm just responding to your most recent posting.

There are a lot of 'what ifs' in there. If we were ever to reconcile, there would need to be this and that etc. But you do say elsewhere that you know this isn't on your W's radar right now. And I agree, if your sitch is like most on here, it will take considerable time (if ever) before your W is interested in reconciliation. So, for now, I think this is cheeseless tunnel thinking, and you would be better shifting your focus onto yourself.

You say elsewhere in your post that you need to work on making yourself a better person. Have you identified what you want to do and how you are going to approach this? It would be great to see a post from you, putting your W aside, and talking about Barry and his life going forwards. Of course, your W may ask to rejoin you in that life at some point....or she may not...but if you get to the point you are happy with that life, you will detach more from the reconciliation outcome.

Also, watch yourself there with the 'never' thinking - "I'll never be able to fully open myself to anyone." At the moment, whilst things may hurt (and I know the hurt is excruciating), you will, with time and effort, feel better about them. And at this point, there's no telling how open you might be to your W or someone else at some point in the future. It would be more accurate (and helpful) to say that "it will take time and effort before I could trust my W (or someone) else again." That's better than the kind of "hopeless" thinking, which consigns your to a life of non-connection with potential future partners.

I agree with what others have said about W's friend. Best to only offer her the DB version of you going forwards. H & I have a mutual friend, who has kept in touch with us both, and I haven't always been as careful with her as I should have been. That undermines efforts that you may be making elsewhere, so best avoid allowing yourself to be vulnerable and emotional where this is going to be relayed to your W.

So, maybe have a think about the following:

*Barry's plan for becoming the person he wants to be
*Challenging pessimistic/hopeless thinking

These would be a good step in the right direction. Hope this is helpful! Toots :-)

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus