This can't be the end!

[Barry]

I would like to add something which isn't so much a lesson as much as a statement I keep in the front of my mind.
That is that I love my wife and children more that anything in the world, and it's still very important to me that I do everything possible to bring us together as a family unit. Ultimatley, it may be out of my hands of course, but that is what I want for ME.

Even if it's not meant to be in this order, my priorities would probably still be 1) children, 2) wife, 3) me. That's just the way I'm built.
I realise I'm not even on her list right now, and I can't change her mind. All I can do is try to make myself a better person, the Barry I want to be for my own stability and health. I'm not a bad person and I have a lot of love to give, but as lesson No4. says above, I will never be able to fully open myself to anyone (not even my W) again after the last year's events. I can't.

I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, but to love the person who has hurt you the most does seem like a ridiculous concept.
I'm sure there is a limit to it, which I hope I don't have to reach.

As it stands, I am willing to truly forgive and reconcile with my W, but only if I 100% believe (and she shows) that she is willing to work on the M and give it her all. There will need to be clear boundries from both of us which need to be agreed to and maybe she won't want to agree to some of mine (or I to hers) which will scupper any hopes of reconciliation.
However, if we can agree on these things, stick at it, and it still doesn't work, we can both walk away with our heads held high that we gave it everything we had. Currently, I don't feel that's what we're doing and it feels like she's just thrown in the towel.
I believe she feels that she's tried to work this out in every way already.

I can't make her of course, but I think she needs to really have a good look at some of her weak points and her part in the demise of our M. She will fall foul of this again (even if that not be with me) unless she does some soul searching of her own.
Of course, I may not be around to see that happen, but I don't want to see her hurt, no matter how much she has hurt me.
I'll always love her I guess, no matter what the outcome of our sitch.

I don't want our M to end, but nor do I want either of us to feel unhappy most of the time, for either of us to feel un-loved, or our children to suffer as a result of a strained R.
As I say, I am willing to commit to reconciliation, and am aware that it will be a long road even if the outcome is what we all hope for in our sitch's. Unfortunatley, my W is not in the same place as me right now and maybe never will be.

It's still very early days in our sitch, but I won't wait forever.

Barry.