Hi Theoden,

Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate that, and I also think you're a great guy too with lots of good advice and knowledge. It's great to have people like you here on this site to advise us newbies where we're going wrong..and right.

Sunday (the day at WBF's) has really bothered me that I let myself go like that in front of someone who, although is a friend to me too, will surely have told W most if not all of what I said. I still don't think she would have told her about the OM concerns I expressed, and I can say that she certainly didn't appear to be lying about there not being one. I have some experience through my work of sniffing out the lies in people and have a fairly high succes rate.

I was really cross with myself on Monday and felt I'd taken a big step backwards in my personal feelings about the sitch. I've had to stop, take a breath, and tell myself that I can't change what I did or said and to move on from here with a better attitude.

The BF would certainly have told W about me being upset (it was more than that TBH, it was the worst I've ever been if the truth be told), so I've decided to try and steer clear of her for the time being until I can control my emotions better. I'm sure the meds I have for my depression/anxiety played some sort of role in getting to where I was on Sunday, although I do feel they are helping in the long run. The effects are cumulative and take a few weeks to really kick in I've read.

Although I do desperately want to reconcile, I am really committed to the DB techniques that I've been advised on and read about on this site. They seem to be my best chance of saving myself, if not necessarily my M. My book hasn't arrived yet (that's the UK postal system for you) but hopefully it will be hear soon. I'm itching to read the whole thing to try and understand it all better. Don't get me wrong, I get the gist of it from everyone's kind (or not so kind but necassary) advice to me but I think the book is a must if I'm to get the most from this site and you guys.

Regarding the kids, my S20 and S18 are on my "side" if that's the way to put it. I don't really want there to be any sides as such but I'm not sure that's possible. My D15 is probably siding with W, I guess from the comments she's been subjected to over Christmas when they were away from home. Its obviously because they are both females too. I'm not saying that my D is somehow against me (although she does know how to upset me in an instant - a talent she gets from W) **note to self, that has to stop...and today, but I think she's of the opinion that this is all somehow for the best. That is W talking.

My S13 is having some issues at school, which started before the current sitch, but I'm sure have something to do with the issues between W and I over the last 18 months. Not all because of but its a contributing factor. He outwardly appears indifferent in some ways to what is happening, but I personally think that he believes we will reconcile as we did last year. W sees it that he's the one coping with it best out of all 4 of them, on that we disagree.

All four of them are aware of the reasons I moved out etc, and I do only try to show strength and a positive frame of mind when I''m with them or talk to them. Me and the boys went for food and bowling tonight which was great, my D couldn't make it, and I will admit that I text'd W to see if she wanted to come too. That offer was really an olive branch which she could take or leave, we were going regardless and I was sure to let her know as much. She said no anyway.

Reference the bedroom being HER room, as much as I don't like that, that is actually the case at the moment. I wouldn't want her in my room at my parents either (with my 37 rules pinned to the wall along with bits and pieces of good advice on here I've printed off). A simple apology seemed to be more appropriate than a harsh f*** you at the time TBH. I do agree that I need to exude happiness, confidence, and strength at all times bar when I'm alone or with a few select friends though.

I'm not sure I'm at the point where I can have a FY attitude towards her just yet (certainly not openly anyway). What I've really tried to start to get my head around today is thinking of what my life is going to be like without her. I have to say that it's not an attractive thought but one that I can't keep pushing away as currently, that's exactly what is going to happen. I really am starting to realise that I can only change myself to be "someone only a fool would leave", be that her, or another fool I may meet one day if that's how it turns out.

I've started another thread "This can't be the end! #2" as I guess this one will lock up soon due to the number of posts (all of which I'm very appreciative of, no matter what the content). Thank you to everyone so far, please keep with me, I still need all the support I can get!!

I know the site you mean Theoden, I saw it the other day but I'm not sure it's for me just yet.

Sorry for the long post, that's something else I have on my list...to get my point across by saying less!


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015