Barry,

First of all. I think you are are great guy. You are fighting for your marriage, you love you wife and kids. You are a stand-up guy. I'm a fan of yours.

You are feeling much like we all felt in the beginning. I was terrible at divorce busting, bad at laying down boundaries and so desperate to reconcile that I lost myself in the process. I also lost my marriage. In the end it was a blessing, because my wife showed her true character and no-one should be married to a person like that. Having said that, I'm the "red-flag" poster here. I'm the guy who can tell you what NOT to do. ;-)

Here are some things that are part of the dynamic that are helpful to note.

1. Though you are very hurt, showing weakness and vulnerability, and desperate desire to reconcile will only turn-off your wife more.

2. You children will generally side with whomever they perceive to be the stronger parent. Often in an affair, they side with person cheating or wanting the divorce), since they are happy, purposeful, clear and filled with endorphins. The betrayed spouse looks and acts like road-kill. If you are a dependent, weak child in a harsh world and you have to side with one of two people: they choose the abuser since the one being bludgeoned doesn't look like they'll survive the ordeal, much less be able to take care of them. My wife got my kids to ask me to leave the house. At the time she was screwing another man and bringing him to the house for lunch to meet the kids while I was out working to support the family. Obscene isn't it? I also notice your wife is probably better at laying down boundaries better than you are. "Stay out of MY room" she says, and you apologize. In other words, YOUR mental picture and behavior, strange as it may sound, needs to be more like what your wife is like. She's happy strong and confident.

3. Don't expect your kids to break their routine to reach out to you to hang out. You need to schedule those times. My kids are the same.

4. Personally, I think a f*ck you attitude towards your wife right now is the only healthy place you can be. It's a matter of survival. The stronger you are, (emotionally, financially and physically) the more your kids will gravitate to you. Also it's more likely to attract your wife back. Please also read the *** site to get you laughing and get a little fire in your belly.

Theoden

Last edited by Cristy; 01/27/15 07:23 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other websites/forums