Hi SRD, I've caught up with your sitch and it's obviously tough for you right now.
Although currently our sitch's are different, I totally agree with what you say where you've put "I swing from desperately wanting my wife and wanting to fix this to, stuff this OM can have her and the sh1t that goes with it". As you may have already read in my posts, there is no evidence that my W has an OM at the moment (I know you had that at first too and it turned out badly) and as we're already seperated, my chances of being the last to know (should it turn out there is one) is fairly high. Although I'm trying not to focus on it too much, the doubts/thoughts linger as I'm sure everyone here knows is the case when things are still so raw and an OM/OW is not yet already known about.
What I can relate to though, is that I too also swing from desperately wanting my wife back and all of this to end to feeling that because she has done this twice now (broken my heart with the "It's over" speech), I don't even know if I CAN trust her to not do it again, or indeed even if I WANT to. I too look at my W now, and although I physically see the same person I've loved for 20+ years, I have no idea who she is.
I've just read "The star is inside of you" post below, I don't know if you've read it but it really resonated with me. I'm not saying it will with you but it's definatly worth a read.
If I'm honest with myself, I've lived my life in fear for some time now. Fear of not being good enough for my W, of not doing enough or spending enough time with my children, fear of the future in general....What a waste of a life.
I'm getting help to try and deal with these fears (medication, individual councilling and signed up for an Emotional Wellbeing course so far) but ultimatley it's the GAL that's pulling me through at the moment. That and seeing the kids as often as I can.
I'm going to be the man I want to be, that my kids want and need me to be, and if my W wants to come along for the ride and be part of my life, that's great. If not, then as sad as that is, so be it, it's her loss.
Maybe they're just saying this to try and cheer me up because of my sitch, but three of my colleagues (all F) who know what's going on, and know both my W and I have all said that my W is lucky to have me and that I would make a good catch for any woman. Not that I'm even contemplating anything like that, but I do need to get some self-belief back in my life and man the hell up!!
I'll keep up with your sitch, and I hope things improve for you.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015