Hey, first things first. YOU are doing very well. You articulate how you feel, what your goals are and you DIG DEEP within yourself bravely. So for all of that, I say "kudos to T0!"
All in all, your progress is marked & palpable.
Originally Posted By: T0324
Yes it is pursuit ...
I have tried backing off and it hasn't changed a thing. I was just going to try this for a week or two and see if it made a difference.
This^^, however, made me laugh out loud. Did YOU really read your words??
Dear T0, "a week or two" is a hilariously short time...as in, NOT ENOUGH TIME...
When we try out a new behavior, especially one that's a 180 for us and it's difficult (supremely difficult to be exact), we shortchange the change. We tend to not give it nearly enough time to monitor for results.
We get far too impatient. We tell ourselves to "be more patient", but when the rubber meets the road, we need a lot of reminders. So here's a gentle reminder T0, be more patient.
I tried to give my changes 90 days before monitoring and invariably, after that time, could see some changes in how h reacted towards me or other changes in the way we interacted, were manifest.
However, lots of times I could not make 90 days before monitoring (I'd keep the change going for that long, and longer, but I often could not wait that long to "check it out").
I just think nothing short of, say, a few weeks or 30 days, at a minimum, would even be noticed by a depressive spouse (I think we can all agree that your h is depressed & stressed at the moment).
Once a depressed spouse notices the change, there will be doubts on their end about whether the change is: A), real, or happening at all, (versus their perceptions being askew),
B) If there is a change in the LBS, the "WAH" has to interpret it as a change, and then processes its' meaning.
"Is she GAL BECAUSE she's moving on, and I might lose her?""
"Is she playing some game w/me? Is this a 'tactic' and am I being manipulated?"
(I'm not listing "OM" as an option only b/c I doubt he'd sincerely believe that, other than how it's worded in A) above^^...yes he may believe he could lose you,
but him believing you have already found an OM - and are now pursuing OM, is just too much for me to believe, HE'D believe...at the moment...
(Yikes, Hope that^^ wasn't too unclear).
Anyhow, with your PMA and being authentically excited (not over the top, but just...hopeful, fun, & optimistic about it)
over an evening with friends or an event like a concert or "unknown fun" activity,
the chances of it being seen as a tactic, dwindle. And they should dwindle.
Because after all, it's Not a tactic. It's a real thing; i.e. an event you are indeed looking forward to...
So go enjoy. Btw, Having the goal of "I'll enjoy tonight!" ain't a bad way to DB. Authentic changes in our attitudes, in ourselves, show from within.
Try harder to trust that^^, because it's true and real.
I'm really at a loss for what to do. I thought maybe if I sent the text and then GAL without H. Who knows? I don't know what he wants - heIl he doesn't even know what he wants lol
HE does not know!! And It shows. But are you really at a loss? I think you know what to do. You certainly have ideas and plans...You just want answers sooner and changes sooner and results sooner...
SO MAYBE - your work for today, is to work on patience and trust --as in,
TRUST THE PROCESS, b/c it IS a process, and it's NOT a Linear one.
YOU are also a work in progress, and a great one at that.
No matter the ultimate marital result, you are becoming a woman only a fool would leave. That's no small feat. The "pay off" is for life.
Let's hope you didn't marry a guy who was & who remains a fool.
You have changed & are still changing, so you know change is possible.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016