Originally Posted By: theoden

Sorry you are here.

1. If your wife isn't cheating, then you will have an easier go at this.

2. That being said, it sounds like she's cheating. The ILYBINILWY speech usually means she is in love with someone else OR she wants to be soon. It means that though you may be a good provider and father, you aren't the LOVER/PARTNER that she wants. And if she doesn't already have a new boyfriend, she's going to get one soon. She's putting her romantic happiness above the well-being of your children. That's what ILYBIMINWY speech REALLY means.

3. DO NOT MOVE OUT YOUR HOUSE. Why should you move if SHE's the one who wants to end the marriage? This also will work against you in custody hearings if you get a divorce. Let her get her own flat. She needs to feel consequences for her actions. Why are YOU paying the consequences for her decision to leave you. If she's leaving you, she needs to be doing the leaving. Let HER leave. Why should you leave?

4. Go see a divorce lawyer immediately. This doesn't mean you are going to file. It's to know your rights, and also to get advice on what not to do (like move out of your own home).

5. Give her space, work on yourself. Get some exercise and some hobbies. She needs to know that you are ready to move on IF SHE LEAVES.


Originally Posted By: theoden

People will abuse others until they face consequences.

How is unseating yourself as husband and paterfamilias good for anyone? Aren't you creating a vacancy for her current or potential boyfriend to fill?

OK...sermon over. ;-)

You said:

I refuse to believe that she thinks that we're somehow incompatible...surely you don't spend 20 years with someone if that's even remotely the case??

Believe it. Or she wouldn't be wanting a separation/divorce. Incompatible, exhausting, hard-word, not fun, unromantic, etc. Either she's looking for relief from your horrible behavior OR she thinks she can do better. In most cases, when you get the ILYBINILWYA speeach, it's because they think they can do better.

On a positive note:

It's good to get positive.

It's good to get your game on.

It's good to enjoy life.

Keep that stuff up.


Best post ever, especially point 2 in regards to the ILYBINILWY speech. This is spot on. Great advice.

I know it's going to be hard but you have to GAL. Look at this as a blessing in disguise. Take this time to work on yourself. If she comes back she comes back, if she doesn't she doesn't. Either way you will be a better, stronger person at the end of all this. Stay positive.

Me:39 Her:35
Daughter: 6
Married: 11
Together: 13
D-day: 5.7.14
She left: 1.26.14
Status: Separated