Originally Posted By: T0324
Train - done and done!!!

I actually am meeting a girlfriend after dropping S at school. She is doing my hair at her salon later in the day (I usually go once a month so it's not anything new) and we are working out. We are starting some fad shake diet (eh whatever I'll give it 30 days)

30 days? Yikes, You're a better woman than me. But I remember the days when a "diet" lasted a few weeks and then Poof! We were all done and had lost weight...yeah, not as easy these days.

ANYHOW, moving on...I LOVE that you are GAL with your friends (and below) you are bonding with high school peeps, VERY COOL!!

Saturday night I am having a girls night with all my girlfriends from high school. I've made child care arrangements in the event H is unavailable. Planning on just saying I'm going out with friends and leaving it at that - in a new outfit and heels of course wink

First, I just want to mention that it's important NOT to overlook the positives...

his keeping the phone OUT and in view And being IN the bed...you know, baby steps, small victories, "applaud the 1% of positives" etc...

Okay so, I'd assume he's "not available" and be pleasantly surprised if he is AND if he volunteers to watch the kids.

You could say nothing to him, OR you could try "h, just so you know, I'm going out Sat night and {sitter name} said she can watch the kids, but did you want to, or is it alright that she watches them?"

Btw, does he have any friends in the area, you know, male friends he can play poker with or hike, or do his manly stuff with? I hope so b/c the whole dependence thing (e.g. your family is his main support, AND the only people he knows are at "work"...) is not good for either of you.

But if he does, it might be nice for him to find OTHER folks or types, for his guy time...

I remember what worked over summer - I remember what he told me worked -- seeing me dolled up wondering where i was going. I do have to play my cards a tad different because I don't want him to think I am playing games

makes sense, but you know this^^ so I think you'll play it right

or make him feel like there is OM.

Um, no, I'm SO NOT worried about him thinking there's an OM. T0, he's NOT going to believe that, but if, by some chance he did, so what?

What would that mean?

-That he could lose you? Oh, gee, that's terrible...oh wait, no it's not. It's fine.

Is your real fear that he'd believe there was an OM (or pretend he believed that) AND then use that as his excuse for dating?

B/C that's a real stretch.

No, I'm not saying "he'd never!" He MIGHT have or want to have an OW. But it would NOT be "because" you had an OM!!

While he may use that belief (there's an OM) as a pretext for doing goofy things on his own, that's no reason to "fear" his believing a lie.

And in the event that he really believed YOU had an OM, he'd FEAR losing you...

but what he'd do about that, remains to be seen.

So I have play my cards very carefully.

I don't want to push him away

I get this^^. I mean, the playing cards carefully Makes sense, except, HOW would it "push him away" to see you GAL?

T0, Don't talk yourself into inertia or paralyze yourself into inaction b/c of fears.

I want to bring him closer so I'm trying to figure out how to perfect that tactic.

Not to deal too much in semantics, but maybe "perfecting that tactic" is NOT the way to go about this.

What about authentically doing a GAL activity w/a PMA and a bit of mystery, and letting the cards fall where they will?

HIS reaction or renewed interest in you may be a byproduct of your GAL< but it cannot be the goal of it.

Your GAL may seem tactical but if it really is indeed a "tactic", it tends to be revealed and seen as manipulative.

I know that's not your intent, but try harder to NOT attach expectations to what you are doing. This "GAL" is for your welfare, not his.

if it benefits the M, great! But if it only benefits you, that's fine too.

Make sense?

I almost feel that he is so distanced and far away that he won't really care that im going out or will be mad. Before BD last year I would go out once a month with girlfriends. During Bd he told me how much he hated when I did that. That he felt it was irresponsible for me to be out drinking with all single women and hanging out downtown until 1 am and then driving my long commute home.

The concerns he SAYS ^^were his, sound legit. It's good that you are addressing them (i.e. not too much booze, not too late, etc) while also maintaing your independence and "privacy".

I'm not sure I buy that those were his reasons or at least not all of them.

Saturday will be dinner and drinks at a local beach bar after. Probably not too late. Maybe that will be a fair balance.

And geez sorry to be tmi but when can we have sex again?

Ahem...(I love that question. It's a bad sign when you don't care about it!)

So, why not just quote my DB coach and let you decide for yourself?

SHE SAID (and I quote):

"that's an intensely personal, private question. It deals with us at our most vulnerable and intimate levels.
Some couples increase or maintain their closeness by being physical, others cannot be physical until they increase their closeness...but it remains a choice each person must make for his or herself.

Don't let anyone (including me) make that choice for you."

Good luck!

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
I File D 10/16
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

Embrace the Change