I can see your views on my moving out are quite strong. There's nothing wrong with that, and I thank you for your input. Don't think I'm being defensive or anything in this post, I'm just giving my point of view and trying to answer your many varied questions. I don't believe there is actually a right or wrong answer to all this. Sorry if it's a long post, it helps me to write it out.
To answer your question as to what WE'VE told the kids...that would be nothing. We haven't spoken to them as a couple as she walked out and when I was at home with just my sons over Christmas, she only came round when they were out a couple of times.
What I'VE told them is exactly how it is. That their Mum isn't in love with me right now, and that I'll do whatever is appropriate to get our family back together. They know that ultimately, it's not my decision. They are totally aware of the situation...but also, yes, I told them we both loved them all and this is not their fault in any way.
I asked them all individually (including my daughter) what they thought about the idea of me moving out before I did and explained that it was so that their Mum didn't have to rent somewhere else and wife and daughter could come home. I explained to them that it wasn't because I didn't want to live with them, and that it was more in the hope that she would have some time to think things through without physically moving on..or out. Similar to "losing the battle to win the war".
As we'd also had a similar episode (albeit for a shorter time) last year and we'd had some success in sorting things out, I was trying to both explain to them that I felt there was more chance of reconciling if I did that (it worked before) whilst also being honest with them that it may not be ok this time.
What SHE has told them is unknown to me.
To be honest, I'm trying my best not to ask them about what she's doing or saying (although I have talked to them about the situation in general so that they understand that my hope is reconciliation). I don't want to use them as spies or emotional pawns in any way. They've volunteered to talk about it a couple of times so of course, I listen. My sons tell me that she's not really talking about it at all to them anyway. Some things my daughter has said to me indicate that my wife has probably talked to her and is trying to convince her that this is what's best for her and for our family as a whole. This is obviously just what I'm reading into things so it may not be that that's the case.
I personally think the lessons they are learning are many. I'm not saying your take on it is wrong and it could be like that in some people's situation. It doesn't really fit ours though to be honest.
My wife is teaching them that it's right to be true to yourself and that if you don't feel right about something, change it or at least question it. I agree that they need to be aware that there sometimes are consequences for this self honesty, and they are aware of the hurt it causes, they're in the middle of it all.
I'm teaching them that you should be prepared to make sacrifices and do what you think is right for the things you want most in life, and for the ones you love. Yes, that can be painful and not in your own best interests sometimes but that (in our situation) is the price of trying to save a marriage and family break-up. Both of these are valuable lessons, it's obviously just a shame that they are both being taught at the same time as they are conflicting.
No, I don't think my wife is being drawn to me because I moved out. She knows that I've done it out of compassion for my wife and family and with a view to reconciliation. She didn't love me for almost 20 years because I was obstinate or somehow didn't stand up to her, it was in part, because of that willingness to do anything for my family. I honestly don't think she feels that I'm weak for not making her move out.
Maybe you're right that it would have been good for her to go it alone and feel the consequences more right now...I don't know. If I'd known this was all coming, I'd have been sure to get on here sooner and ask people's opinions. It's obviously down to what decision feels right when you're in the situation that you tend to go with.
The sad truth about your last paragraph is that she probably thinks both of those things. I'm sure she is tired of my recent behaviour, and also thinks there is someone better out there for her. There probably is. She says she's not wanting anyone else but I'm not naive. What I need to find out truthfully from her is which it is that's made her fall out of love with me....or is it actually both. It's difficult at the moment due to LRT...we are having NC at the moment.
I'll continue with the positive steps!!
Thanks again for your responses, I may not agree with all your views but I appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and let me know what you think.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015