Is it in the best interest of the kids that YOU move out because your wife is not feeling attracted to you? What message does that send them? It's a morally inverted message you are sending. What they SEE is dad moving out.
Why do they think you are moving out? Did you give them "mom and dad are having some issues, we both love you" speech? Then what they see is a family falling apart for NO REASON. Morally reasonable cause and effect has been suspended. The world is now random for them. And guess who is breaking the family apart? YOU. Since YOU are moving out.
On the other hand, did you both tell them that their mom is not in love with you anymore? That's the truth. And if that's the truth, why should they see YOU moving out? What does that tell them about the moral nature of the universe? Mom has a change of heart and dad moves out? It's teaching them that you can hurt others, and break-apart a family without consequence to yourself.
Do you think moving out, because your wife is no longer in love with you, will give her any sense of respect for you or sense that you are a formidable person not to be trifled with? Do you think it will attract her to you? How is it in the best interest of the marriage?
Do you think perhaps, some discomfort and hardship on your wife's part might be the healthy, soul-building, adversity she needs to actually do some real thinking? Don't you think a reality check might help her see more clearly? How is protecting your wife from the consequences of her actions helping her? How is it helping your marriage. She hurts, and you enable. Isn't that unhealthy, co-dependent behavior?
People will abuse others until they face consequences.
How is unseating yourself as husband and paterfamilias good for anyone? Aren't you creating a vacancy for her current or potential boyfriend to fill?
OK...sermon over. ;-)
You said:
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I refuse to believe that she thinks that we're somehow incompatible...surely you don't spend 20 years with someone if that's even remotely the case??
Believe it. Or she wouldn't be wanting a separation/divorce. Incompatible, exhausting, hard-word, not fun, unromantic, etc. Either she's looking for relief from your horrible behavior OR she thinks she can do better. In most cases, when you get the ILYBINILWYA speeach, it's because they think they can do better.
