First, MAJOR kudos to you for that big sip of STFU juice you took last night. Even though I was pounding on you about keeping your mouth shut – because I was sooooo fearful you wouldn't – I gotta be honest: I don't know if even I could have stayed quiet. Which is likely the reason I kept harping on it last night.
Good on you!
As for next steps, I honestly don't think you have many choices. You mainly have two: 1. Text him about your M or your family or your MC appointment, which at this point would look like pursuing, and it would certainly feel like it to him, or 2. Put your DB game-face on – you know the one – and go to your MC appointment without saying anything to H. H knows about the appointment, right? He knows your non-negotiables, right? He's a big boy. He can listen and process. He doesn't need you to hold his hand through it.
What I'm hearing from you right now is fear. And a GREAT deal of it.
When I picture you right now, I see you clinging on to something for dear life … and slipping.
You're scared of losing your H, and you're starting to grasp. Nothing good will come from clinging and grasping. Or texting. That is just going to push him further away in his current mindset. Unfortunately, this isn't your first rodeo, so you know this.
Please don't get desperate. Or if you get desperate, don't act on it. Texting him about your MC appointment looks like control and pressure. It smacks of grasping.
Be STRONG. Be confident. Be courageous. Don't be mean or short with H. Just act as if you're not bothered by his behavior. You're carrying on with your life, knowing you've been perfectly clear that him going back to work with OW's dad is a non-negotiable. But you don't need to repeat that to him. He already knows and is making his own choices. Take care of your boys. Do something for you. Leave him guessing about what YOU are going to do. Trust me: he's thinking about it. If you text him about MC, you're giving him A LOT of power that he does not need or deserve right now.
And as hard as I know it is, try to thought-stop when your mind starts racing with questions like: Why's he doing this? What happened? Why is he choosing x over y? Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it against your arm if you start those obsessive thoughts. Replace them with questions about YOUR life: What can I do to get through this moment? What are my GAL plans this weekend? How can I shore-up x or y in the event he leaves, or I ask him to leave?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014