Thanks barely, i guessed it would be. So my story... We've been married for 20 years, I'm 40 this year, she'll be 38, and both have been happy for nearly all of that time (both agreed on that point). We have 4 children between 20 and 13. We've had problems in the last couple of years though which we really haven't worked on. Thereís no abuse, no infidelity by either party (confident that is true), and never really argued much to speak of. Communication is really the issue, and we seem to have just lost the connection and spark. I still feel it, but she doesnít.
Anyway, W gives me the ILYBNILWY talk in March 2014 and said she wasn't sure she wanted to be married to me anymore. As you all know, this hits hard. She asked for some space, which I intended to give her by staying with my parents in the short term. What I actually did was cried, begged, pleaded, hassled, texted her to give us another chance...You name it, I did it! After around 3 weeks, she gave in to my harassment as I see it now and I went home so we could work on R. She obviously felt pressured into it though. We agreed on various ways forward (sadly no MC although I was willing to go, she wasnít). Part of the agreement was that I would begin to socialize with friends more, which I (and we in fact) had as much as given up on in previous years. She has always had a best friend to socialize with and since starting a new job has made more. She has always been a hardworking mum up to around 18 months ago when she started working in a paid job. Obviously this has had a positive effect on her (independence/confidence and the like). So we started to try and work on R, which was hard at first but better and better throughout the summer, great family holiday in August etc. Then it all starts to go backwards.
As I see this happening over Sept, Oct, Nov...I get anxious, worried, depressed, suspicious and moody. This does not help the situation. Although Iíd also agreed to focus on increasing my social circle when we tried to work things out, Iíd actually just tried to focus on us spending more time together (as opposed to very little before March). I realise now that this actually smothered the spark and put it out rather than fanning the flames! I should have done both things. There was an incident in Nov when I checked her phone due to the number of messages in the evenings (I know this is not good and shows trust issues). Nothing out of the ordinary regarding contacts, but I see a message from the best friend which looked like possible OM on the scene. Turns out to be nothing, but it did look bad (she agreed that it did but the damage was done then as Iíd confronted her with it. We did move on, but things were strained ever further. I then began to realise that maybe a lot of these problems are actually my fault because I feel mentally lousy. I was over thinking things and talking myself into there being issues when there were none. I went to the Dr to discuss depression that I've probably had for over a year, and anxiety stemming from previous experience in March. I not only admitted this to myself, but also to my wife as I knew it was affecting out marriage. Unfortunately, 2 days later and 4 days before Xmas, she says she has no spark left and is leaving me. Obviously devastated again. My D15, goes with her, and 3 sons stay at home with me for Xmas. She was (and is) adamant on separation (she hasnít said the D word yet but I fear itís just a matter of time). She was going to get a flat with D16 as at first, as I was not willing (or actually able) to move out. My original thought was that if she was leaving me, so why should I move out?, but I also had problems in nowhere to go and couldnít afford to rent. I have however moved to my parents again but on a longer basis (agreed on 3-6 month period with her) so she can stay in the house with the kids. This seems like my best chance of any kind of reconciliation. We're currently having no contact to give her space but she said when I saw her last that right now...it's over. I don't want that but she does. I'm just working on myself right now...for me. Meds from Dr helping with mental state, working on getting physically fitter (not too bad already but more thinking this will help confidence issues),and have made concerted efforts to try and hook up with friends (male only). She won't know about these at the moment as we are at NC stage and although these positive changes are not for her, i amm hoping that she will notice when i see her next. Without trying to pursue, i did text her to see if she wanted to meet over the next couple of weeks...not to talk of current issues but just for some food and company. The problem i have is that i realise all the places where i/we went wrong last time and really want to work on it right now but she is so sure that the right thing to do is to split up.
Any advice would be welcome, I've read a fair bit on here already but really need some support from people going through similar problems.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015