My first day on antidepressants. I have never taken them before. I used to be of the mind that one should tough out sadness. Exercise, eat right, that type of thing instead of medication. Another thing I was wrong about. In my M I never went for help with my depression. My periods of depression now come up often when my W cries about our M problems. So I'm getting help... medication and therapy to grow my inner happiness and self-love. A big 180 for me.
Doctor has me on Lexapro. Said it could take a couple days to a few weeks to kick in. Or could be today. The drug is supposed to dial back my emotions... anger, sadness, even my sex drive. Which would be great. Feeling horny is especially painful for me.
My head definitely feels different physically right now. Something is definitely happening.
I was emotional and shaky this morning after W sent me text and VM asking to pick up S11 and lunch to take him to a doctor appointment. She said she'll have him back by dinner. She asked if I wanted to come along on to the appointment which I won't. I simply replied... "Hello W. That's fine. Also, please give me at least 2 days notice about things like this. Thank you." I think that response was OK. Acting like she's a co-worker. She then texted back saying "Thank you so much HP," and asking about paying tuition and the movers.
After that, and talking with my long time doctor about my sitch... He asked and I told him everything... I let myself get in the very bad shaky place again. I've since taken the A/D not expecting any change. Now my head feels different... maybe a numbing? The tension behind my eyes is almost gone as are my shakes. It's not a smooth comfortable feeling which would have been nice. More like the near absence of the painful uncontrolled stuff in my head that gets replaced with nothing. Like a "not all there" feeling.
If this is what it's going to be... I'll get used to it. But yes my emotions seem dialed back. I don't feel sharp... but I don't feel horrible. I feel like I could be even in conversation with W. Like I could think and act accordingly instead of simply reacting angrily. I would have to decide to look and act contented though. Not a magic pill.
So this will help. I'm thankful.
So I'll keep going on my 6 month plan. I still think of filing a fault D almost everyday. No matter how W sees my part in our M problems... I don't deserve what she's doing now and I am prepared to act accordingly. I also saw in other sitches how the filing was the hitting bottom needed to get the W talking and moving to R. Just want to make sure my waiting 6 months does not affect any fault benefits.
Also, my W is still has access to living comfortably in our old home and still driving the rental I helped pay for. After next week, when the home goes away, is when her real separation journey begins. She says she'll be staying at her aunts. She won't be able to keep S11 until she gets an apartment and her own car. I may also have to call her on any lies she tells. So I have to give more real life consequences time to happen.
At this point, though, and with help from this drug and therapy, I believe I can get back to the place where I see my W as sad, lost, hurt, and confused. And I'm just calmly being better me showing strong in her vicinity while still focused on my own thing and happiness.
Yes.. I took an action I never have before and now I'm in an OK place.
Just keep doing that.
Just keep going.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014