Wow... I was feeling pretty good just a little while ago. Now not great.

Tonight I had S11 text his mom good night. He didn't really want to but I made him this time. She then called and spoke with him for a minute. Don't know what was said... but I didn't like that it was so short. It shouldn't matter but my PMA just went straight down seeing that. I start thinking about what she's doing and that's bad for me.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I really just have to leave her behind b/c she is gone. Getting into this space makes me want to file right now b/c this person just doesn't deserve us. I want to stop worrying about my M tonight and tomorrow it will be there again in the morning. Now the tension and headache comes back. I hate this.

Olsteen was saying you wake up in the morning and you forgive the people you feel wronged you. That's the way to do this. I understand what she went through, understand the feelings that lead her here, understand wanting a new life. But I'm not yet forgiving her for taking it this far... for exploding all of our pain like this and in the worst way possible for us. I'm blaming her for my pain and that is keeping me here in this pain. I'm still giving her control over me.

I'm remembering what 25 said and what everyone says... this is her journey and I can have faith she will end up in a good place as a better person on the other side. Maybe even find her way back to us and to me. I took the same journey and came back. But that's not up to me... so I let her go and find my way to a better life for me. I hear this everyday, give other people the same advice, and still I make it hard on myself. I see staying up late and on this computer makes it harder to keep these feelings away.

So I'm off to sleeping pills and then sleep.

Tomorrow morning I will at least act as if I forgive my W and myself for everything.

Then just keep going.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014