Just some thoughts. Clearly I need to GAL b/c I'm here too often...

Just cooked my first meal for S11 and myself here in the condo. Something simple... pasta and meat sauce... just to get myself moving in the kitchen again. S11 was excited to get my cooking tonight. It was just OK in my opinion.

In my old life, I did much of the cooking. I taught W how to cook. She's still not very good. She always said she loved my cooking and really seemed to appreciate it. I did love that she loved my cooking. I would like us to get back together someday so I can do more than cook for her.

So I'm thinking of the 180s I need to do for myself... to be a man a fool would leave.

The main things, then, are being more emotionally available, less self centered, more empathic, more supportive, and more courageous in the face of my Ws hard and sad emotions. My W wants to be seen and heard and valued. My W wants someone she can feel proud of... so someone who is happy with and proud of himself. Someone not angry, sad, introverted. Someone attractive.

I see how I haven't been those things for years.

For myself, I've wanted to be that person but never got past my sadness and need for W's support to do enough to get there.

So... plans to get there...

1. Be a great dad to S11
2. Continue with IC 2x per week to grow my inner strength and happiness.
3. Listen to my W if she talks about her hard truths about our M
4. Get out of the house on Fridays to do Tango class
5. Sign up for the acting class and take it.
6. Restart my side business and make it work everyday
7. Take interest in my job and focus on it 7 hours a day
8. Reconsidered the gym... may join a Crossfit gym to take the guesswork out
9. Restart my volunteering with teaching young people how to program computers
10. Take at least 3 trips this year.
11. Buy new clothes
12. Buy a Cadillac
13. Maybe buy a nice little home near my son's school.

This week for GAL I have my son's birthday and new year's eve. I have no plans for NYE. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't have any friends here to go with. I don't want to go anyplace by myself. I don't even want to think about it now.

Feeling a little low PMA now. I see this NC is going to be hard for me... at least at first.

So yes... I want to be in the company of a beautiful woman now. Like tonight. I see that I have a need for someone to see and want me... like my W shows she does so badly now. I don't like or want to be alone. So yes clearly I'm very needy and have been in my M. So has my W and neither of us gave the other what was needed. My IC said I should read up on co-dependency. I guess that's what this is that I'm feeling now. It would probably be a bad idea for me to go out on my own NYE.

Wow... I really want to call my W. So stupid.

Nothing to do about it.

Just keep going.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014