Hello Vanilla. Your idea is a good one... just ask S11 to send a short message in the morning and at night. I do ask him... and he'll say he doesn't want to. W did send him a "how're you doing?" text late morning. He would have seen it when he picked up his phone but I don't think he responded. I don't want to push or police him on that. At the same time, my W is sensitive as you know. She's already talked like I'm trying to take her son.

I don't know that I should be protecting her relationship with S11 when that's her job now. When S11 is away... I'll text and call him multiple times until he answers. Text him for a while. Tell him I miss him. I'm protecting my relationship with him.

And yes I'm down to a sip of alcohol. I did want to get more today... almost did. I was at a traffic light with S11 just now. I was really hurting again at the time. Take a left... go home. Right... bottle of rum. I had decided to get rum. Waiting for the light to turn... I looked at him. Told him... "let's go home." Went left.

I'll just eat a lot of cookies tonight instead.

...

I have not heard from W today and I don't expect to. I did not go by the old home tonight.

I don't know how to get to talking with her again from here. We've deteriorated so much from when we were sleeping in the same bed. Even after I confronted her on her PA and she stopped going out... I could still be around her.

I see that her standing aside and letting me leave with S11 was what angered me. After all the crying and screaming about not leaving... not disrupting S11's life... not ruining Christmas... not ruining his birthday... she let all those things happen. She could have spent time with him on Christmas and chose not to. Then just said "she didn't like it."

That and her crazed angry screaming. I don't know how I can sit with her, feel warmth for her, and validate her feelings like I did at the beginning of this.

But like a wet noodle I missed her for a little while today. Wondered what she was doing. Admit I thought about going by the old house to see her... if she was even there. Wanted to talk with her. Feared she will not miss me and is not bothered missing all this time with us.

I'm happy tomorrow I'll see my doctor about antidepressants b/c I need help.

But what really helped was the recognition that I can only grow as a man a fool would leave. I have a lot more work to do there and can only get to it. There's nothing else to do. She won't text anything like "let's talk" or "I miss us." I won't reach out to her. I'll leave her alone.

Last R talk I did try to control her and tell her what to think like she pointed out so I have set myself way back. She knows again I still want our M. I hope that my GALing and getting stronger will somehow turn that around. That I can finally look at her without anger and judgement b/c I'm really detached from her and her actions.

I'm afraid I've lost my W and my M, though. I know I'll be fine... certainly better than I was in our M. But I would like my W with me in my new life.

Now I'm off to play with my son and his new toy drone.

Just keep going.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/28/14 09:46 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014