Journaling....

This evening was good and bad with S11...

Both good and bad was today I did not hear from W at all. She dropped S11 off at the condo building and left. Did not call me... did not text. Today is the first time since this started she has done that. It's what I want so that's good. It's what I don't want so that's bad. It's what I have to accept if I'm to move on. I want a better life and the person she is now is not a part of that. Still... well you know.


Really bad was S11's mood. I admit I did not take S11 out to GAL tonight. I surrendered to sadness and I slept most of the afternoon to avoid it. S11 played his video games. Then he came to me very sad. We sat together and I held him. Told him we would be fine. Got him busy cleaning the condo with him. It helped my mood too. I see I have to keep PMA for him too.

Later, though, I came into his room and didn't see him. I called for him and he answered. He was under the bed. I asked him what he was doing. He said he wanted to be alone. He was so sad. I wanted to cry. I cheered up, got him out, kept him busy, warmed his dinner and we watched a funny movie together. Wrestled with him and talked with him. Assured him that it's me and him and we;ll be OK and happy. I won't leave him. Now he's cheery again.

I felt hurt though to see him like this. Very badly. I encouraged him again to tell his mom how he's feeling like he tells me. She apparently tells him maybe we'll get back together. She didn't tell him she would not see him on his birthday. I don't wan to believe it, but she shows on some level she is done with both of us. I must protect him from that.

At the same time... she should know from him the damage she's causing him. On the other hand... a part of me wants him to detach from his mom like I am working to. She's acting like a dangerously damaged person. I'm saving every screaming VM and text Vanilla. I hate this.

Tonight I'm encouraging S11 to journal his feelings. He's a creative boy so hopefully it helps him and helps me understand his feelings. I've asked him to draw or write using his new computer. I love him very much.

On another note, I see my doctor on Monday for antidepressants. I'm looking forward to it b/c I'm still not consistently strong mentally. Today was tough emotionally and I slept this afternoon and admittedly drank tonight to cope. I know the best thing to do is to do something interesting. W got S11 a model for Christmas so this week I will help him build it.

Just keep going.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014