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I think there is a place between "wet noodle" and nasty-in-return to her spew. There was a discussion up thread about rewarding positive behavior. I think that answering friendly texts, and acknowledging her apologies is that. (I mean, sure she shouldn't go off on you...but isn't it better that she apologize than NOT??)
What if you just detached from the spew? Put on your spew jacket and remain calm and friendly in a *detached* way. I say "Hello" to my neighbors, I wish them a good day, but I don't really know anything about their lives, and vice versa. They are not my friends, but I can be friendly with them.
Don't push her buttons. (Answer questions about S11 clearly and succinctly), but ignore the misbehavior if it still happens (state your boundary clearly: "W, I will not engage in a conversation with you when you are screaming and cursing at me.") But being kind when she is also being kind, IMO, is not rewarding the bad behavior.
Just my opinion...
OK Claire. I do see what you're saying. I'm just not sure. I believe in what Wonka, my IC, and others say ... "No more responding to texts UNLESS it involves S11" and "Focus on logistics on S11 related matters only." Just being cordial, prompt, and clear on communications we absolutely must have about S11. So, when she sends me a nice picture of S11 again... I won't respond.
I'm just generally not sure this morning. I'm woke up alone with the usual terrible thoughts. I'm feeling broken over a woman who has been evil to me. Had no problem screaming or coldly saying humiliating things to me then every time backing down and apologizing. Back and forth. That's not self respect. I can't go on like this.
She's not a good person and I want her completely out of my head. If I could successfully sue her for full custody of S11 and leave this city and her far behind then I would. Doing that is my fondest dream right now.
I want to dream of meeting a wonderful woman and living happily with her... but any dream of happiness and love and ML immediately brings hurts and terrible thoughts. I won't be able to really be with another woman in a good way for a very long time.
And then there was W's "You're and avoider" comment yesterday. Yes that has stuck with me... W got me again. Now I want to do something about that. Not look like a child avoiding her and her feelings. Not hiding like 25 said I am.
W said "you do not want to take this head on with me." As if I'm supposed to be standing with her dealing with her feelings everyday. She doesn't see me as strong. B/c S11 saw me cry, she says "If you're not strong enough S11 should stay with me." She sees all my actions since saying I was leaving as avoiding her. Like, if I was a man, I should have stayed in the house and just dealt with her.
I know she is manipulating me so she can feel in control b/c she doesn't. If I'm clearly weak and unhappy and childish I'm simply a "good man" and in her eyes then she can feel she's right to leave me. So, being James Bond when she tries to lash out at me from her place of fear, weakness, and anger is the thing to keep doing. Still, I let what she says get to me.
Hmm... I also see that I'm doing the same thing she's doing... trying to tear her down in my mind to lessen the pain and truth of her words on myself.
Now I'm just talking in circles again about her. No more talking.
I was reading other sitches here about good folks having good interactions... even ML with... their wayward WASs. Getting positive signs. I'm just wanting that right now. Again wanting something from her. Can't do that.
I have to learn to live without a woman again. Learn to get out of the house and do things that make me happy and stretch myself again. Learn to enjoy my work again. Learn to love myself.
Deep down I've felt down on myself for a long time now b/c I haven't taken my life to the next level. I use these wins with W to help myself feel better... more in control. If I can somehow accept all this that is happening and what she's done and who she is and that I'm not in control... then I'll simply be better... not just temporarily feel better.
I can accept all this and move on from this. When I accept it, I can simply stand in front of her and look at her more dispassionately b/c that is how I'll feel. Only then will I know that I'm leaving her behind. And then I'll be free to find someone wonderful to share a great life with.
I really want to be free of her b/c I still hurt badly. I still let her words hurt me. I still let her trying to define me hurts me.
I'm so much better than this.
Going to force myself to go for a run.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014