Thank you Claire and Jan. Claire of course you're right. I haven't yet focused enough on myself and my enjoyment and I need to. I can find something for me to really enjoy in this city. I choose to find joy here b/c I deserve joy and my son deserves a happy and secure dad and that's the reality.

Jan I understand and I really really feel your pain. Honestly I think about filing D too. In your case it's financially tough so I can see that aspect. Is there something you can do to make that better without filing?

In any case, we're both focusing on our W's and it's wrong. We both know it's wrong and we're getting better and while we're getting better the pain is too much to bear. I am dying right now for a pill that will help me feel better. These moments pass if we let them or make them.

There's so much sorrow on this board. Take a break from here for a while. Go for a walk. Rake leaves like you said. I'm right with you feeling like this will never end while knowing that it will.

I'm sorry Jan. You know everything now about AP, so don't snoop b/c you will just hurt yourself. Start being busy so you spend less time with your W. When your W comes over, make yourself scarce by being busy. You'll see your W start to follow you around when you do this. It happened to me. Then maybe you can interact in a businesslike and brief way b/c you are in control. Just know it won't make your W like you. Don't expect or even want that like I did. Success in those interactions are you seeing yourself acting how you want to act. It's for you to feel better about yourself.

This [censored]. The sooner we do things for ourselves the better.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014