Thank you NAJ and Wonka. I'm not sure if W is bringing S11 back here tonight. She might have him sleep there tonight. I'm just so tired now.

And we are so broken. To think that when BD happened, I loved my W. Yes things we're not great... I saw she was upset with taxes and money and we weren't connecting and it was not a fun sexy time... but I had no doubts about my W. We were a team living a life and we were going to keep going. The person I was then was totally blindsided.

Now in hindsight I can clearly see signs of this horrible sitch months even years ago. I'm feeling that pain now. My moods swing badly still. I'll get up and do "as if" happy exercises. See... I just forced a smile and feel a little better. It's going to be January 30th when I can see a doctor for antidepressants so I'll be forcing smiles for a while.

I know now I'm fighting for the rest of my life... to not be defeated by all this. To live a better life as a better man. To really give up on my M and my R with my W. To stop caring what my W thinks of me. To design and live a warm, happy, simple life for me... not one I think she would want.

I know Wonka your to-do list is my best hope there... but it will take a lot of time. More than a year. And I'm to do it dealing with my W everyday. A real test of patience and stamina.

I've pushed my W and made her even more angry with me. She's never been this openly heartless to me and she started with no problem doing it from the BD. She's had years then to get like this towards me. I'm still catching up.

Before all this happened, I had a vision statement that I would read every morning after my run. It was the day I bought my W her dream house. S11 would run ahead of me and my W. My W would hold my hand. She would look at me. She looked at me with pride with tears in her eyes. I read and dreamed that vision everyday for months.

After BD, my W was crying and saying... "If I never brought up our M problems, you'd be out running right now instead of talking to me!" I ran instead of paying attention to her thinking the whole time I was paying attention to her. She may never know that. Never know about my mom and dad. Never know all the feelings I'm going through right now. I've shared so much with her over the years.

Now part of me would be happy to never see my W again.

I can't do Christmas with her tomorrow.

I don't know how we heal.

So pitch dark LRT.

Focus on healing myself.

Focus on healing S11.

Just keep going.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014