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Hello Wonka. Thank you for your help. Last night and today were very hard again and completely my fault. I admit her texts today hit me very hard and I was in very bad and shaky shape for a while. She did pick up S11 today, so she was texting all that will with my son which added to the blow. I admit I'm having a beer right now to help. I just couldn't sit with the pain right now.
I do see, now that I'm relaxed, that she followed her usual pattern of immediately lashing out hard whenever she's feeling trapped by a hard truth. Then almost immediately backing down and then apologizing. Same thing every time. So your truth dart did land. Difference today was she said our marriage is over. She has never said that. That was very hard to hear from her even though I've been saying that to myself for a while now. Almost as bad as a BD. So yes I'm not detached. I still have a long way to go there.
Now that I see the pattern, though, I see nothing has changed. I pissed her off badly and did pursue with my angry screaming at her last night. That she screamed back shows she's still hurting about all this too. That she called me crying to talk about S11's pain also shows her pain. Now her coldness this morning is also her pattern... whenever she opens her feelings too much she gets her strength back and goes cold for a while. She knows and says I don't deserve any of this treatment and I see all this bothers her though she convinces herself this is needed. I won't be weak.
So yes I will follow your steps Wonka to just finally detach. I'm starting that now as I'm not doing any holiday things with her. If S11 still wants to get her a gift, I'll make that happen for him and that's it. I see she's already texting me logistical questions about S11 like business as usual. I don't respond. That is so strange to me... that someone could be so hurtful one moment and then follow up with business texts like nothing happened. I know not to be surprised or offended but still.
Thank you Sandi. Yes, 25 told me to say "so what?" to myself whenever she texts. And yes, I think the truth dart was good but did blowback a lot of pain to me. I know, though, that it is my choice to feel hurt. I'm getting better at that. I wonder, though, if my brining up the OM again was bad... like again I'm giving him all the attention instead of W's feelings and choices. But the text is out there and now she knows again I'm not playing friends with her and why.
Hey Zeus. I do agree with you completely. I have focused a lot on my W and affecting her as she is constantly looking to manipulate my emotions and my desire to help her. It is time to do much more of what you say... to GAL and build my life. Admittedly, outside of getting to the condo, I have not done GAL since then. My W is also hurt, emotional, and yes I can see shallow and thoughtless. Dealing with her and these weekly big battles like this... I am far far far from happy. I have not felt happy for a while now. I want to get to where you are. For me, emotional as I'm finding I am, it will take work and persistence from me. I'll get there.
Thank you all again. The past 24 hours have been awful. Again that was completely under my control. If I just refuse to answer the phone, or just stay calm when I do, then all this doesn't happen.
I'm feeling much better now.
I'll keep going.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014