Thank you Wonka. I see I cannot at all act on my emotions. This was a terrible failure I made and yes I see it set me and all this way way back. 1 week as you say which is bad yes. I really believed, though, I blew the whole effort. Part of me still does.

Yes S11's phone call was the natural consequence of her actions. I became a distraction to that. I see that very clearly as you say Wonka. Horrible lesson learned tonight.

Even so... tomorrow I just STFU x10. She keeps saying we're separated... let's just accept that we're separated and be civil for S11. So tomorrow I will go out to her car... I will greet her if she greets me. I will be businesslike. A coworker.

She keeps saying I'm blaming OM but I know the truth (her feelings). I brought him up I'm sure as we were talking about why I can't just be nice and understanding with her. I won't bring him up again.

I'll send W my choice for a therapist for me and S11. Likely my IC.

I will keep going. I apologized to my S11 tonight for all this. Said I love his mom and she loves him. Said I hope we can all be together again. Said I'm really trying. He said "I know dad. You're doing great."

Funny... even W on her voice mail said she was glad we finally talked tonight even with all the screaming. I'll leave that at that.

Just pick myself up... keep going.

Made a mistake... keep going.

Keep going.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014